First, it was the fact that he existed. Then, it was the full-body plank off a committee room desk.

And now — an accurate description of quantum computing that the average person could understand. Canada, I love you, but when are you going to stop rubbing your prime minister’s ridiculously handsome face in our face?

You’re like a new fiancee sporting a two-carat diamond. “My prime minister is so smart.” “Oh, look at Justin. Do you know he was once a yoga instructor? I just love saying his name, by the way …” “Did you know that he wanted to give every loonie to the poor as a child? What a sweetie!”

Justin. Justin. Justin! 

Enough already. It’s not like we’re totally without options down here. We have some suitors.  Yes, we do. … Sure, they don’t have six-pack abs or normal hair or an ability to relate to other humans, but you know, there’s a chance they’d be good providers. They’re interesting. There’s never a dull moment around here — we are definitely not bored, I can tell you that!

That’s right — we have choices, we’re not without choices. (Sniff.)

And it’s obvious you have problems. I mean everyone wants a chief executive like that. You have to really watch out that Sweden or Norway or some perfect country doesn’t come over and sweep him off his feet. And I’m sure you have some kind of issues with your national health system, or the political ridings, or not being able to find enough refugees to help.  You know, I actually feel sorry for you — it must be hard to keep up appearances with all that going on.

(Pause.)

Now, there, there, don’t cry. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. You really are doing well — and looking great. You look just great. It’s times like these when I am so glad to have such a nice neighbor. Maybe we should visit the International Peace Garden soon and hang out. 

I can tell you about Donald …