Hi folks, it’s me, your intrepid reporter. You know, a member of the lame stream drive-by media. One of the people complicating the system with facts and research. Fortunately, many voters were able to see through that mask of deception and elect Donald Trump as president.

I just got word. The Enlightenment is upon us. Here, in the bunker, reception isn’t so good. I have been prepping like a son of a … a …  preacher man. (Dusty Springfield reference. Google her.) Finally, I can relax. I’ve been defending my emails 24/7 against Hillary Clinton, Vladimir Putin and Julian Assange, with only a butter knife, Gus the Attack Pug and the kung fu I picked up from a Jackie Chan movie. This is exactly why we should never have let Obama take our guns.

In reserve, I’ve got a nonlethal army surplus stash of rubber bullets, mace and billy clubs — enough to quell a riot. Fact: Not only is North Dakota a leader in agriculture and energy, but we are now the per-capita leader in riots. Proposed new tourism slogan: “Come for the riots, stay for the oil spills.” Of course, it only takes five people to riot here because of our North Dakota work ethic and trademark efficiency.

The other day, India and I walked into a Bismarck record store and, with two other customers and the owner there, it automatically turned into a riot. It got pretty rowdy. “The Cure” was playing on the sound system. One guy bought a Mott the Hoople album. The sort of thing that shakes the foundation of democracy.

I don’t mind telling you, despite being a newly converted Republican, and a law-and-order kind of guy, I was sucked in by the anarchy. It didn’t hurt that we were all being paid by George Soros.

The lawlessness ended before Sheriff Paul Laney, the Riot Whisperer, got there. (That’s how good he is.) What happened was one of the guys stepped out for a cigarette. Might have been wacky tobaccy. After all, it was a record store. As he left, taking our perfectly good riot with him, I yelled, “You’re ruining everything! We had a quorum!”

I know all of us are feeling much safer these days, since because of security concerns, a state legislative committee decided not to allow presentations from Native American tribal leaders and state Supreme Court Chief Justice Gerald VandeWalle when lawmakers reconvene in January.

Republican House Majority Leader Al Carlson had a premonition that maybe someone was going to pray. And everyone knows Native American prayers are even more dangerous than the Muslim prayer he so boldly defended the Legislature against in the last session. As for letting a judge speak — sure he might pray and it would be a white prayer — but the thing about judges is they get so judgy. And let’s face it. The man comes to work in a gown.

Inexplicably, Carlson was criticized for his insight and heroism. Like this was punitive or something. Like he was sending a message to tribal leaders to stop praying the wrong way and to the high court for having so little fashion sense.

Carlson responded, “You don’t want the truth because deep down, in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time, nor the inclination, to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the manner in which I provide it.”

Al, you had me at “wall.”

While we were in Bismarck, lawless protesters marched at a Wells Fargo branch because they are a key lender to the Dakota Access Pipeline. Which absolutely has to be built immediately to Make America Great Again by leaking oil all the way to China.

One woman had to park a whole block away from the bank. A soul-crushing experience, so she lit into one of the protesters, who happened to be part of the record store riot, too. Working overtime for Soros.

“This kind of violence needs to end,” I said, horrified by the story of such unlawful behavior and suddenly back in touch with my newly discovered conservative roots. “I know from personal experience, when I want to bank, I want to bank.”

A block. A whole block! This has gone too far.

© Tony Bender, 2016