Hey folks, it’s been awhile, and I sense my readers slacking off.

Have you been paying attention to current events? The news has been particularly newsy as of late. Actually, I was holding off writing this since there were rumblings about the apocalypse happening Saturday. Bummer. Now, I have to write a column, and I suppose, pay my bills. OK, pencils sharpened, eyes straight ahead, here we go.

1. Under recent health care legislation, this is considered a pre-existing condition:

(a) Warts.

(b) Heebie jeebies.

(c) Boogers.

(d) Existing.

2. The most unpatriotic thing ever:

(a) Kneeling during the national anthem.

(b) Kneeling when Lee Greenwood sings.

(c) Five deferments.

(d) Buying “Make America Great Again” caps from Russia.

3. A contributing cause to more intense hurricanes:

(a) Gay pride.

(b) Insincere prayers.

(c) Al Gore.

(d) Cow farts.

4. Top Kim Jong-Un nickname:

(a) Rocket Man.

(b) Off His Rocker Man.

(c) Major Tom.

(d) Captain Fantastic.

5. Reasons the world didn’t end Saturday as predicted:

(a) The Almighty is still on the Julian Calendar.

(b) Not prudent without a health care bill in place.

(c) President Trump and Kim Jong-Un both golfing.

(d) Saving it for a Vikings Super Bowl win.

6. Reason President Trump disinvited the Golden State Warriors:

(a) Discovered they weren’t the Golden Showers Warriors.

(b) Hardly any white guys on the team.

(c) Too busy drinking covfefe in Nambia.

(d) He’s already hosted Frederick Douglass.

7. According to Hillary’s new book, she lost because:

(a) Deplorables vote.

(b) Unseemly references to her impeding coronation.

(c) Savvy book marketing strategy.

(d) Accidentally got Thomas A. Dewey’s playbook.

8. How did Miss North Dakota become Miss America?

(a) It’s just a matter of spelling, actually.

(b) Stole the other girls’ signs with an Apple watch.

(c) Never once mentioned lutefisk.

(d) She’s really swell.

9. The only thing scarier than the movie “It”:

(a) The Weather Channel.

(b) Al Carlson.

(c) Twitter at 3 a.m.

(d) Mike Zimmer.

10. Something whiny liberal snowflakes should do:

(a) Get a job.

(b) Get over it.

(c) Grow a pair.

(d) Don’t Bogart that joint.

BONUS QUESTION: A really cool name for a hurricane would be:

(a) Biff.

(b) Dweezil.

(c) Stormy.

(d) Hutch.

Answers: 1. d; 2. c; 3. a; 4. b; 5. a; 6. a; 7. c; 8. d; 9. c; 10. b; BONUS d. Grading 9-11 correct: You’ve clearly been keeping up. You must be a nervous wreck. 6-8 correct: In Nambia, this would be an A+. 3-5 correct: The important thing is you vote. 0-2 correct: Don’t worry, your preconceived notions will serve you well.

© Tony Bender, 2017