• “Good morning, students. It’s time for announcements. The lunch menu today is hot dogs with macaroni and cheese. The vegetable is ketchup. Take that, Michelle Obama! Miss Swiffer from fourth grade will be walking point during recess. Also, I love the smell of napalm in the morning.” — The  Principal.
• “Even if you took away all the guns, people would still die of things like old age.” — Guy Next to You at the Bar.
• “Guns are not the problem.” — Lone Gunman Spraying Bullets From a Rooftop.
• “Hold my beer and watch this.” — Good Guy With a Gun Who Accidentally Shot Off His Own Penis.
• “The media should just stop giving kids ideas.”  — The Only Network Covering the Massacre Responsibly.
• “Where’s my penis?” — Gunshot victim.
• “I need to open-carry my AK-47 to make sure Chipotle gets my fajita just the way I like it.” — Quiet Loner Who Kept to Himself and Seemed Like a Nice Guy.
• “Without bump stocks, teachers will be helpless to defend the classroom against all the guns we helped put on the streets.” — The NRA.
• “Chicago has the toughest gun laws in the country and it still gets cold in the winter.” — Gun Enthusiast and Climate Change Denier.
• “You never see this kind of violence in Antarctica.” — Flaming Liberal.
• “Every American has the right to own an M-14. It’s the 2nd Commandment.” — Guy. Who. Just. Won’t. Stop. Talking.
• “Save the children!” — Pro-Choice Democrats.
• “Save the guns!” — Pro-Life Republicans.
• “There is no silver bullet.” — Radio Talk Show Host.
• “Yes there is.” — The Lone Ranger.
• “I need a 100-round clip because there might be more than one coyote.” — Dude Who is a Bad Shot.
• “I remember when everyone drove to school with a bazooka in the gun rack.” —Guy Who Thinks He’s Your Friend.
• “I need a Bushmaster to defend myself against a tyrannical government. Go Trump!” — Man in Fatigues and a “Don’t Tread on Me” Shirt, Buying MRE’s at the Army Surplus Store, with a Bulldog on a Leash that has a Kerchief Around it’s Neck.
• “When we were kids, we had to wear bread sacks on our feet every day on the way to the Killing Fields.” — Rep. Kristi Noem, R-S.D.
• “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.” — Roland The Headless Thompson Gunner.
• “We need to bring Jesus back into the classroom. With an Uzi. — Satan.
• “Thank God I was packing heat.” — Chris Kyle, Navy SEAL.
• “If only my Secret Service Agents had been armed.” — Ronald Reagan.
• “Murca!” — Bare Chested Guy on Facebook Holding an AR-15 Aloft Like Rambo.
• “Why won’t anyone hunt with me?” — Dick Cheney.
• “We’re selling a lot of Kevlar.” — Banana Republic CEO.
• “We’re rethinking our logo.” — Target CEO.
• “I shot Vince Foster. And Billy Graham.” — Hillary Clinton.
• “If they can’t get guns, they’ll use butter knives and ladles” — Talk Show Caller.
• “Sandy Hook never happened. Neither did the Holocaust. The moon landing was faked, and Elvis is alive.” — Alex Jones.
• “No, I’m not,” — Elvis.
• “Gun deaths are actually down.” — Man Consoling Grieving Family.
• “A well-regulated militia.” — The Constitution.
• “Thoughts and prayers.” — Every Politician.
• “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” — 400 Ministers since Sandy Hook.
• “I’m proud to be an American.” — Lee Greenwood.

© Tony Bender, 2018