Holy moly, where has the time gone? It seems like only yesterday, Ryan Zinke was on North Dakota soil. Yes, THE Ryan Zinke. I still shiver at the thought. The ethically challenged secretary of the Interior — most in the Cabinet are corrupt, so it’s no big deal — was smack dab in Grand Forks, to fire up the Republican elite at the gun-free Alerus Center.

There were still bullet holes all over. Just a small gun event, I heard. “Well, we THOUGHT he was a bad guy!” The target was one of the bartenders who did look a little not white.

Rep. Luke Simons produced a video to show how easy it was to beat the security of the gun-free zone. Actually, he just didn’t want to give up the free hotel coffee for he and his wife, but his point was made. The cups could have just as easily been Uzis— or .50-caliber American Eagles.

As for the speech, no one, except for conventiongoers who were evidently unaware of the boredom to come, knows how Zinke performed. Since his chiseled presence was so exciting, the pundits all took a premium length break. Anonymous sources tell me that they took a Lyft to downtown and wandered around looking for food — or alcohol. Mostly alcohol.

Rob “fake news” Port, of the Kevin Cramer campaign, Forum branch, stayed behind at the Alerus, though, to type words, in some order, about Heidi Heitkamp. He’s under a lot of pressure to meet his quota of 63 gripping Heidi posts per week for his adorable little blog, where the alt-right gathers to kibbitz.

For the actual reporters, it was also an opportunity to light up a Pall Mall and strap on the Beretta for the mean streets of downtown Grand Forks.

Several writers jumped off the DeMers Avenue bridge into the mighty Red River. If you climb the rail under significant influence and stare down at the flowing brown water, it’s crazy mesmerizing. Maybe they fell. Accounts differ, but either way, they didn’t have to go back to the rally. One — or two — will wash up in Canada in due time and be charged the proper tariff.

Of course, as far as a keynote speaker, Republicans in red hats were hoping for the big tuna, the ginormous bluefin, the serial adulterer, the compulsive liar, the con artist, the tax cheat, the racist, the sociopath, the draft dodger, the philandering wanker and the most objectionable soulless carcass in the United States who isn’t incarcerated. Who wouldn’t want to watch the loosely constructed jamoke yap at random?

But, as it turns out, the gelatinous grabber was busy fending off pornographic actresses, Playboy bunnies, corruption charges and factual information. He was also up to his armpits in people to throw under the bus. It’s the only exercise the lifelike cartoon character gets. Lots of problems for the weeble. Who could see this mess coming?

As the bad news bled out about the great white, men wailed in the streets, teeth gnashed, stomach contents were vomited, hands were wrung and sobbing echoed through the coulees. One poor mook jumped off our big cow in despair. He just rolled to the bottom of the hill and came to a stop before hitting Interstate 94. Nominal blood loss. No biggie. He might still be laying there.

Of course, these things also happen every day wherever Trump is, so it’s an emotional wash. What’s left of his staff wishes they had a big cow.

The bowling pin shaped golfer’s presence would have made the most pious Kevin Cramer giddy. He dreams of standing beside the abject failure of morality and holding his moist, callous-free, hand high in the victory stance. Religious indeed.

But the a$$hole likely had already zoned out Kevin’s name — and any promises made. Had the congressman done several moments of due diligence, on what has become his host organism, he would have known that the leathery reptile doesn’t honor commitments, lived a me-first life and has been a well known sleaze for decades. A slimeball, as New Yorkers know.

And the entire North Dakota GOP has DJT slime in every nook and cranny, and it doesn’t wash off. Stubby fingers also grabs nooks, so it’s best to wear metal drawers, if you smell him in the vicinity.

Cramer is so enamored with his spray tanned idol, that he compares a difference in opinion with the unofficial “orange is the new black” mascot, to committing adultery.

“Here’s the good news about Donald Trump: Most of the time, he’s for North Dakota, and that’s my point where I’ve heard her say, ‘Gee, I voted with him 55 percent of the time,'” Cramer said.

“Can you imagine going home and telling your wife, ‘I’ve been faithful to you 55 percent of the time?’ Are you kidding me? Being wrong half the time is not a good answer.”

Aside from the obvious fact, that golden boy has adulterated as fast as his beady eyes could covet, the analogy is classic Cramer. Uninformed and confusing. Kevin is the kind of guy who will go nuts if women aren’t dressed in a manner, inoffensive to his God on Earth. White pantsuits send the “perfectly stable” Cramer into a lather, for some reason. But he always stands by his man.

From Roll Call

The congressman tweeted last week that he “will always stand up for farmers,” which “includes opposition to tariffs” that could harm the state’s agricultural sector. That tweet was deleted and replaced with one that also praised Trump for standing up for China. Cramer stressed that he was in contact with the White House, but he “would like to see the president take a more measured approach as the impulse of position has created unnecessary turmoil for our markets.”

Cramer then tweeted Friday that he was in contact with Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue and urged him to protect producers from retaliation, saying, “Farmers must know the Admin has their back and I urge them to act swiftly.” —Roll Call.

Most of Cramer’s Twitter wordplay is bull$#!*, since everyone knows that Trump doesn’t listen to anyone and could give a rip about North Dakota farmers, but it was nice of Kevin to tone down his message and praise dear leader. Backs are not being covered.

Blame Democrats for a situation caused by Donnie.

“GOP Rep. Kevin Cramer, who is challenging Democratic Sen. Heidi Heitkamp, said Monday that part of the uproar over tariffs was fueled by Democrats.

“There are people, particularly Democrats, who want to pour fuel on the fire of hysteria,” he told Prairie Public Radio.

Moving down the list of endorsed Republican candidates.

• From the Kelly Armstrong for Congress website:

“Kelly supported new rules to crack down on extremist protesters.  The DAPL protests exposed some serious flaws in our century code and Kelly supported legislation that strengthened our laws and provided our law enforcement the tools they need to defend us against people who have no respect for our laws or our citizens.  No longer will out-of-state environmental extremists get away with causing destruction and chaos in North Dakota.”

• From NDXplains:

In his first advertisement, Kelly Armstrong touts his policy stances. One claim, in particular, has caught the attention of viewers. Using imagery that depicts protesters in masks as a clear call back to the Dakota Access Pipeline protest, a female narrator says, “Kelly made sure law enforcement has the tools they need to crack down on out-of-state protesters.”

Armstrong didn’t just blow the racial dog whistle. He yelled directly into a bullhorn. His TV advertisement was clearly aimed at Native Americans, a group that North Dakota racists love to stereotype and hate.

And why just out-of-state protesters? How is that going to work? You can pretty much drive, fly or walk into the state without incident. When the Mayor Del Rae of Moorhead travels over the river to join a protest, what happens? Do we rough her up a bit and exile her back to Minnesota? Such stupidity.

Armstrong selected the founder of the Bastiat cult, Rep. Rick Becker, to make his introduction, so that was an interesting choice. Becker and his small band of ideologues are so far out on the right-wing fringe the majority leader, Rep. Al Carlson, looks like Fidel Castro in comparison.

Anyway, Becker spent 90 percent of his speaking time scolding the Republican audience for not being more rabidly conservative. Basically, like him. Evidently, Armstrong fits the bill for Becker, although his voting record doesn’t.

The most memorable statement, to my mind, spouted by Becker on the stage.

“We recognize that it is not only impossible, but immoral to force equal economic outcome. It is an inevitable and undeniable part of the human experience.” — Rick Becker.

I don’t know who is trying to force equal economic outcome, so that is a fallacy. Liberals would like to see people receiving equal opportunity, but we’re so far past equality in the economy, I don’t know why he bothered to bring it up.

Rick appears to believe in the survival of the fittest, which he claims is the most humane type of society, but it’s not. Maybe for wildebeests.

Then, there is Will Gardner, the nominee for secretary of state, who also got his share of hoots from the Bastiat cult. Anyway, I guess he can build a website. Big deal. He also has an MBA from the University of Phoenix.

Prior to the convention, Gardner wrote an op-ed titled “We Must Eliminate Unverified Ballots in North Dakota”

Gardner begins:

“When you hear of election fraud, do you think of Russian cyber interference or do you think of the thousands of unverified ballots in our last statewide election?

Oh, wait — you don’t know about the 16,000-plus ballots in N.D. that were cast in the 2016 election without an ID?”

Yes, and your problem, Mr. Gardner?

“Last year the Legislature modified the law again, but if the courts continue to rule in favor of allowing unverified affidavit votes, our state will eventually be faced with either accepting the potential for mass voter fraud …”

Except that the votes aren’t unverified. Either Gardner doesn’t know this, or he lied by omission. It sounds very scary, though. The office of the secretary of state verifies the affidavits. Those that don’t pass scrutiny are trashed. If he isn’t up to the task, now would be the time to say, I don’t want to do that.

As for mass voter fraud:

I call bull$#!*and adultery.