Prior to President Trump’s visit to Fargo, I took a shot at guessing what he might say at the rally for Kevin Cramer, who got three minutes of mic time and an awkward bro hug.

My predictions; followed by the real deals.

• “Heidi? Where’s Heidi. What the hell are we doing here, if she doesn’t even show up! Who?”
• “Isn’t that Cramer guy a hoot? Nice guy. The way he barges into that Jew’s apartment. I never let black people into my apartments, either. And that steel fence thing he cooked up. Wasn’t that smart to compare the kid cages to the steel fence at ballparks? He’s read the Bible, I’ve been told, by him. Isn’t that Cramer guy a hoot?”
• “Well, that’s all I can say about Gramer. He’ll do what I tell him. That’s all you need to know.”
• “Hey, there’s my black guy. See him. Amazing.”
• “I sting like a butterfly and cry like Eugene. What a loser. Imogen is a type of classy flower. Or, a vegetable. Most people don’t know that.”
• “Ooooh, so Sparkie is such a big deal, but I’ve slept with hotter porn stars than you, Sparkle, so just shut your trap, or I’ll tax you to Mexico. Those people speak Spanish. A lot of people think it’s Mexican. Rapists.”
• “Those hats are made in China, Nebraska. Shirts, too. Tremendous deal. They farm something over there, too. They’re great patriots, offering to take a few years of pain.”
• “Trade wars aren’t as easy to chew, as many people think. We’re getting schlonged, according to Hannity. Nice guy. Sometimes, he reads to me at bed time.”
• “Ivanka would never wear a stupid-looking wordy jacket. I don’t even think Mel reads American. Somebody should ask her. She might be a Democrat. Sad. I was Democrat when little Bush was president. He was the worst. Low energy.”
• “I don’t see why people think I’m a moron. Mitt’s one, I think. Great guy. Gawd, those people procreate like crazy, don’t they. One big sand trap. I’m totally happy with two children. Before 30, all they did was cry and bitch. Amirite?”
• “Who knew that throwing little criminal rapist brats in cages would be so complicated? The Democrats want to send out hand-engraved invitations to all of the world’s worst crime guys, and just roll out the red carpet, and serve them beautiful pieces of chocolate cake. Probably some of the most delicious cake ever, in the history of ever. Nancy Pelosi. Loser.”
• “Blacks haven’t had so much work since slavery. I’m very proud of that. Fantastic, isn’t it? Huge. Schumer hates black people.”
• “We’ve just about wiped out crime, like I promised. Unless some other gangs, besides MS-13, pop up. They aren’t classy like that Tony Bonanzoo hoodlum.”

“This is a decent-looking crowd. There are even a few fives. I only date 10s, but two 5s don’t make a 10. I have to leave, anyway. There was a seven once in Toledo. Sarah Palin has lost few digits, which is sad. Does she still live in Russia?”

• “They play hockey in this place? What for?”
• “This guy down front here looks too red. Somebody poke him. Alive. That good. He’s a wonderful person. Tough on crime and border. This isn’t global warming. They have a lot of trees in Brazil. Bada bing bing bing.”
• “I made a great great deal, today. The families, the potential MS-13 members, all of the crying, for crissakes — we’re going to put everyone up at the wonderful hotels in Cozumel, with free room service. It’s wonderful there, have you been? The private shelter contractors are killing me. I called around, and it’s much cheaper going the resort route. I kid you not.”
• “Don’t come crying to me, Justin, when the eskimos attack. My space cops aren’t interested in beaver pelts. And I’m better looking and taller than the black one. The Canadian is short and ugly. Right, patriots?”

* * *

Some of the Actual Trump Quotes From the Fargo Rally

“This place is packed,” Trump said as he stepped onto the podium. “You know, we had the chance for a 24,000-seat arena, and we should have taken it. The problem is, if we had two empty seats, they will always say, ‘He didn’t fill up the arena.’”

Stupid media. That’s exactly what they would write.

“Maxine — she’s a beauty,” Trump said. “I mean, she practically was telling people the other day to assault! Can you imagine if I said the things she said?

He has, and I can imagine.

“We need Kevin Cramer to replace liberal Democrat Heidi Heitkamp in the Senate,”

Heitkamp isn’t within a mile of being liberal.

“When Heidi ran for office she promised to be an independent vote for people of North Dakota. Instead, she went to Washington and immediately joined Chuck, you know who Chuck is, and Nancy, and now they have a new leader.

That’s not true.

“Democrats want judges who will rewrite the Constitution anyway,” Trump said. “They want to do it and take away your Second Amendment, erase your borders, throw open the jailhouse doors and destroy your freedoms.”

None of that is true.

“You need a senator who doesn’t just talk like they’re from North Dakota, but votes like they’re from North Dakota. That’s what you need, and that’s Kevin Cramer,” Trump said.

I don’t think we do.

“He felt confident in me to make the right choice and carry on his great legacy, that’s why he did it,”

I think he’s just old and tired.

“We will make America loving again, Loving. Loving.”

You first.

“Because space is the new frontier,”

It has been a new frontier for a long time.

“We’re not starting a trade war, but we’ll finish it”

Nope, you started it.

“You need a senator who doesn’t just talk like they’re from North Dakota, but votes like they’re from North Dakota,” said Trump, who added of Cramer: “He loves you, I will tell you that. He loves this state, loves the people. And we need Kevin Cramer to replace liberal Democrat Heidi Heitkamp.”

He doesn’t love gay people. I doubt if he loves me, and I’m OK with that.

“I want to make a plea to my Democrat friends. Please, please, please don’t remove Nancy Pelosi. And please keep Maxine Waters on the air as your face and your mouthpiece,”

He doesn’t have any Democratic friends.

“The era of global freeloading and taking advantage of the United States is over.”

If you say so.

“Heidi voted no on our massive tax cuts for North Dakota families. She voted no,” President Trump stated. “Not one Democrat voted to cut your taxes and the other day Nancy Pelosi said we have to raise your taxes. What’s that all about? She wants to raise your taxes.”

The tax scam; borrowing money to redistribute to the rich.

“We love the countries of the European Union.”

Do we?

“But the European Union was set up to take advantage of the United States, to attack our piggy bank.”

False.

“We had a trade deficit because they send the Mercedes in, they send the BMWs in, they send their products in, we send things to them and they say, ‘no thank you, we don’t take your product’.

False.

“I said to them, if you treat us that way and you don’t take down your barriers, if you’re not going to treat us fairly then we are going to tax all those beautiful Mercedes Benzes.”

They are beautiful.

“Sometimes our worst enemies are our so-called friends”

The feeling is mutual, I’ve read.

“Republicans want strong borders and no crime. Democrats want open borders and from there, crime, crime, crime happens.”

Not what democrats want on this planet.

“We’re already building the wall and it’s a beautiful thing.”

It’s about 4 feet long.

“Thanks to Republican leadership America is winning again, and America is being respected again all over the world,”

That’s not true.

“He puts a straw in the ground and oil comes out.”

Trump likes billionaire Harold Hamm, an oil baron.

“Great pillows. I actually use them, believe it or not.”

My Pillow brand. I don’t believe Trump uses a normal pillow.

“Maxine Waters is their new leader.”

No. She isn’t. She is a liberal, African-American woman, though.

“Another person campaigned for eight years. ‘Repeal and replace.’ And we were a little surprised when the thumb went down.”

Still kicking John McCain, when he is dying.

“We are coming out with so many health care plans. It is so much better than anything you’ve ever seen before.”

He claimed to have plan, the greatest plan, many months ago, so I doubt it.

“If crooked Hillary would have won this election, and if she came here, which is about a 0 percent chance, after the election she’d have 200 people in a conference room in a small hotel.”

False.

“Because, frankly, they find this more exciting than the NFL and a hell of a lot more dangerous, right?”

Huh?

“And I wish those cameras would circle the room to see how many thousands of people are here because, you know, on the screen I look — and all you see are those few beautiful, wonderful people — I don’t know who the hell I — but you’ve got a nice group over there. I know you have Mike and some others. They’re going to be so famous.”

Stupid cameramen. Won’t do what Trump says.

“I said to my people, ‘How many people are here?’ They said, ‘Six thousand in the arena, but we’re going to be — have to, unfortunately, walk 15,000 or 18,000 people that couldn’t get in.'”

There weren’t 15,000 or 18,000 people that couldn’t get in.

“The late, great, Cecil B. DeMille would not have set it up this way, I will tell you.”

Probably not, but he did movies.

“Everybody comes in, including the vile gang, MS-13, which Nancy Pelosi has gone out and wants to protect, OK?”

She doesn’t want to protect MS-13.

“Do you see what they do? Bing, bing. Right? You see what they’re doing? No, but do you see what they’re doing?”

Huh?

“I have wealthy friends, like Harold Hamm.”

We’re happy for you.

“But the Heritage Foundation came out with a report, and this was as of two months ago. We’ve already implemented 64 percent of our top agenda items.”

That’s not what they said

“They never take those cameras off my face. Look at all the women.”

Yes, we have those.

“I said, ‘Oh, I am so smart. I am the smartest person.’ My uncle was a great professor at MIT for 40 years. Can you believe? Forty years. I said, ‘But I’m smarter than him. I’m smarter than anybody.'”

I don’t think so.

“Oy, when do they get over it? But, you know, it is pretty amazing. Point after point, guilty, guilty, guilty, guilty. Oh, she’s OK.”

Clinton has not been found guilty for anything.

“Michigan’s very happy with your president.”

Not many of them.

“Politics is a mean game, isn’t it? It’s a mean — it’s a fleeting game. Six months ago, Republicans passed the biggest tax cuts and reform in American history.”

Yes, fleetingly mean.

“My daughter and my wife, Melania, they love — they love the women. And the women love them. The women love them. And the men love them.”

I would imagine so.

“You know, I was dealt a lot of bad hands.”

He’s had a tough life.

“The fake news was so upset when I said we had a good relationship. We had a good chemistry.”

Kim Jong-un makes a great play date.

“But when people rush it -— you know, it’s like rushing the turkey out of the stove. It’s not going to be as good. The women can tell me, and some of the men. See, today I have to be politically correct. See, in the old days …”

I see.

“And I’ve directed the Pentagon to begin the process of creating a sixth branch of the United States Armed Forces, called the Space Force. The Space Force.”

Whoo hoo!

“Let them send a rocket up to Mars. Let’s be the first. I hope they go fast. Let’s help them. Let’s make it really good for them. And if they do it, we’re going to claim it on behalf of the United States, OK? We’ll give them no credit. Let them spend the money.”

The Mars rover is pretty famous.

“And by the way, our people, they call it the base, they used to say it’s 35. Then they said it’s 40. Then they said it’s 42. Then they have these polls go — we’re driving them crazy. Now they say it’s over 50 percent.”

It’s not.

“They’ve been stone-cold losers, the elite. The elite.”

OK.

Bonus Trump

“First of all they are great patriots, just hang in there a little while we are doing the tariffs, They’re negotiating with us. If you look at Canada, they shut you out and you see what’s happening. You look at the European union you can’t bring your product in there it’s very hard to and they tax you and they bury you. You know they put these nonmonetary barriers up and they are ridiculous. Hang in. We are going to open up the markets like you’ve never seen before. Don’t forget farmers have been flat lining and even going down over 15 years we’re going to get it so they go up. That’s what I want. They have to hang in with me just for a little while. I’ve been very successful at doing this stuff.” — KVLY Fargo