When you’re the most influential political blogger in North Dakota — just ask him — a columnist for the mighty Forum Communications Company, reigning Miss Congeniality of the Sam Adams Alliance awards and winner of the Americans For Prosperity Award for Online Excellence, you’re always under tremendous pressure to come up with new and thought provoking ways to stick a shiv into Sen. Heidi Heitkamp.

Rising Star Trivia: Unfortunately, Rob Port was a runner-up in the “Kiss a Koch” and “Hug a (Harold) Hamm” competitions. It’s rarely mentioned, for obvious reasons.

Blogging is in Port’s blood. Who knows how it got there? Exchange of bodily fluids? Maybe, but blogging didn’t show up in blood tests of the day, and the only cure is throwing bales for week, and that is never going to happen.

A former co-worker of Port at the Home of Economy in Minot, a fellow named Jason S., said, “Rob was always pacing the aisles, punditing this and punditing that.” He was supposed to be selling two-slice toasters, so Port found himself embroiled in his first conflict of interest. It was a big day for the restless whippersnapper.

So, the appliance specialist said, “Hell to this! I choose to blog.” Everyone thought he said, “I snooze to log,” and all three of them nodded knowingly. Rob rode off on his banana seat, three-speed, bicycle, and the thrill of North Dakota politics was on.

Credibility, facts — and honor — have never been big concerns for blogger boy, aka the Puffy Prairie Portweasel. I can personally vouch for Port’s lack of character, since he concocted a fact-free article about me, and I’m not even Heidi. He lies frequently.

Fast forward to 2016, and even Puffy could see that Donald Trump was a crude, raving lunatic with man boobs — and a problem with laws and women. He also has white circles around his eyes like the delightful Leaf Monkey, which predators find alarming. The Koch brothers also found Trump distasteful, and disturbing, which I’m sure would never sway the Portweasel’s opinion.

“The Kochs finance the Sam Adams Alliance, the Americans For Prosperity, the American Legislative Exchange Council, Americans for Prosperity, The Donors Trust, the State Policy Network, American Encore, the American Future Fund, Americans for Responsible Leadership, Freedom Partners, American Commitment, and other organizations.” —Jim Fuglie, unheralded.fish.

If you enjoy being frightened, Google any of these groups. Your hair will curl.

According to Port, no Koch funds filtered down to him, like anyone cares. He made a fortune off Amazon penny-pass-through ads, which no one ever clicks on. Uh huh.

His opinions are pure. Robbie loves all forms of carbon that burns, science denial, denial of discrimination, bathroom issues, higher ed bashing, men’s rights, the alt-right, grilled cheese sandwiches, denial of bad ethics, Barack Obama, the ACA, fake outrage, Breitbart, exploding oil trains, slander, humorless and tedious composition, cherry picking, negative stories about Native Americans, and long walks up and down the 6th Street hill in Minot.

Then, as if he found a spine, he wrote a newspaper column headlined, “Never, Ever Trump,” which was odd, since he usually retreats into a supine position when confused. He can’t manage the fetal pose.

Some of Port’s insights from his anti-Trump screed:

• “I even understand why candidate Donald Trump is appealing. He’s breaking down the walls of the politically correct box built around the political process. He’s cutting up (rhetorically!) the nattering nincompoops in the pundit class. He triggers schadenfreude for a vast swath of the American electorate.”

He also uses miasma a lot. And Doofjunge. Nattering nabobs of negativism irritated Spiro Agnew. Spiro irritated everyone else.

• “What I don’t understand, now that Trump has evolved from an early primary season sideshow to a very real political threat, is why anyone thinks his presidency would be good for America.”

The things that Rob Port doesn’t understand are taught at North Dakota State University between football games. Port hates the Bison.

• “America does actually need a leader. And leading is something more than Twitter battles and (figurative!) bomb throwing.”

That’s been the plan, Sally Self Evident.

• “Can anyone really imagine Trump being an effective leader? I can’t. Not even close. In fact, I don’t think even Trump himself imagined in his wildest dreams that he’d get this far.”

Donnie has a crazy wild imagination. He doesn’t see dead people.

• “I do not think Trump should win the presidency, however. He’s an embarrassment. He is not fit to lead our country.”

I was starting to think that perhaps Port had stepped away from the ledge. I’m a moron.

• “North Dakota’s top Republicans — Sen. John Hoeven and Congressman Kevin Cramer — have made this argument. Both have said Republicans should support the nominee while stopping short of an outright endorsement. It’s baloney, and antithetical to American tradition.”

Cramer the courageous, no one has ever called the lunch meat.

• “Even today, the popular vote does not elected the president of the United States.The reason was to avoid our national leadership being subject to the whims of a populist mob. Exactly the sort of mob backing Trump.”

Specifically the Russian mob, and those fine people that make up Port’s base.

• “Republicans should do everything they can to deny Trump the presidency. Such a move would be terrible for Republicans short term. It would alienate a lot of people from the party. But long term it would do less harm to the GOP, and to America, than letting Trump sleaze his way to the party nomination. And maybe the White House.”

One of the 16 people he insulted on the primary stage should have walked over and knocked the dick on his ass, or kicked him in the balls.

Port wrote some other Trump comments at the time, that weren’t in his column.

• “Trump knows exactly how dumb his supporters are, and has manipulated their ignorance to great effect.”

It ain’t hard, hombre. And Port knows exactly this, too.

• “Trump seems content to pander to actual paranoid racists.”

And they slithered out from under the woodwork, and took to their toy torches. The rest of racists were baking oatmeal raisin cookies and walking among us.

The stripling sounds like he knows what’s going on. But the Portweasel also wrote the following gem, so he might be a bit drunk, at times:

• “I’ve found a solution for the #NoDAPL situation. Instead of building a pipeline, let’s just sell the oil to the hobbits. I’m serious. We could get Gandalf to ride Shadowfax to North Dakota once every week or so, then he could wave his magic staff about and transmogrify the oil into delicious crumpets, which then could be sold to the fine, furry-footed folks of Hobbiton, who I’m certain would love North Dakota’s transmogrified crumpet exports.”

Now, that’s some fancy punditing. But everyone knows that Gandalf is living with the Elves and can’t come to Tioga.

• “Still, as someone who makes a living from expressing controversial points of view and poking very powerful people in the eye, I worry about turning free speech into a sort of popularity contest.”

The popularity ship has sailed, but otherwise Rob’s a humble guy. I don’t know which powerful person got poked in the eye. He could mean our governor, but Burgum played the weasel like a New York tourist before the election. Wit versus witless.

Fast forward again, and Kevin Cramer is running against Heidi Heitkamp for the Senate because Trump “begged” him, or Harold Hamm was the deciding factor. It was one of the two. Cramer evidently doesn’t have a real sharp memory. I’m guessing he’ll be sitting on the board of Continental Oil if he loses. Trump probably offered him a golden parachute, too, but he’ll never see whatever that was because Don is a crook.

By then, Port had already weaned himself off his disgust with Trump, saying that he ignored the antics — as if that’s possible — and that he liked his policies. He’s over the moon about having more methane in the atmosphere. I don’t know what the lad does when policy and antics are part of the same sentence.

But Rob has hated Heidi Heitkamp for a long time. She’s an accomplished woman for one thing, which he finds threatening, and her win over Rick Berg in 2012 has been eating at him, like a rusty railroad spike stuck in his forehead.

Then, when Cramer decided to run for the group of 100, and he adhered himself to DT, Port did a 180 on Trump and stepped up his already manic Heidi obsession. His posts, which get flashed across the Forum internet platforms, are filled with anti-Heidi headlines. The Forum allows this obvious infiltration of a republican operative in their nest.

RP likes to play the 18 degrees of Heidi Heitkamp, or imagine a scenario of what she “should” have said about something. He also likes to attribute false motives to Heidi, and other people or groups he doesn’t like.

He used to demand that Heidi answer for everything that came out Hillary Clinton’s mouth. It was annoying.

But the PPP never asks Cramer to defend each Trump outburst. The dope couldn’t, anyway. He would be up 24/7 and Cramer’s piousness gland would collapse in despair.

I would like to see Kevin Cramer even try to rationalize Trump’s Puerto Rico falsehoods.

Bottom line:

• Rob Port is a Donald Trump hypocrite.
• Rob Port is a Kevin Cramer hypocrite, since Kev is a whiny barnacle on Trump’s broad buttocks, a Donnie apologist and a shameless tool.
• Port thinks that Kevin Cramer walks on creamy unhomogenized and unpasteurized warm milk. Raw, like the day it was mechanically drawn from an American cow, or KC is holding one of Rob’s kids hostage.
• Chain-link fencing is humane for interning children according to the congressman, and Port thought that Cramer’s caging comments were totally reasonable. A tool for a tool.

As for Rob Port’s influence in North Dakota:

• Rick Berg lost to Heidi Heitkamp.
• Rob tried mightily, but couldn’t get NDSU President Dean Bresciani fired.
• He claims to live for transparency, but Port is currently trash talking the N.D. ethics measure, to protect his NDGOP pals. He will fail again.
• Port is rarely right when it comes to initiated measures, and doesn’t like the idea of “the people” making law. Those decisions are best made by Harold Hamm and Al “Oil Can” Carlson.
• N.D. colleges still have football teams, even after 312 anti-sports posts from the weasel.
• And Trump won the state by a 36 point margin over Hillary Clinton in 2016, even after his scathing “Never, Ever Trump” instructions to the masses.

Der Schwachsinnige.