So, the Forum editorial board has decided that the 2019 Sears catalog cover boy, Kevin Cramer, is the best choice for the U.S. Senate, rather than the suspiciously superior Heidi Heitkamp. The decision is not a surprise. The board always find a way to placate ownership and endorse the Republican candidate. It’s their prerogative.

Some poor sap had to type the goo up, though. The big cheeses never give a thought to Ivan’s feelings. Ever since Ivan pushed Igor out a fifth floor window without opening it, it’s been bring your own printer ink and park at the Main Avenue McDonald’s, Iiiivaaan. That glass isn’t free.

However, the explanation of their decision read something like Cramer operative Rob Port — also known as “Buffy the Heitkamp Slayer” — might write. Oddly, Port made that nickname up for himself in an eighth-grade spin class.

Here’s how the editorial begins:

“Kevin Cramer should follow the advice of wise carpenters, who say you should measure twice and cut once. In the case of a politician, the corollary would be to think twice before opening your mouth. Cramer, as even his supporters will admit, has the unfortunate habit of opening his mouth before giving adequate thought to the impulsive idea he spouts off. But his conservative views are in sync with North Dakota voters, who appreciate his candor, and we support him in his bid to move from the U.S. House to the U.S. Senate.”

This a myth, and the Forum knows it. If I know something, the Forum knows it.

Cramer isn’t Trump. You can’t just assume that Cramer is crazy. You could easily reach that conclusion, but you can’t simply assume it. Kevin doesn’t just pop off stupid things because the wires in head got mixed up. He doesn’t have an uncontrollable tic. He means these abnormal things.

Furthermore; regular and some clearly unwise carpenters have talked in hushed tones about the “Parable of the Magic Measuring Sticker.” Most have also spoke of the “Watch it now, will ya? Don’t cut your thumb off” fable.

Cramer repeated his cruel rationalization for separating families and putting the short ones behind chain link.

He repeated his cruel idea about what he considers a sexual assault.

Kevin wouldn’t shut up about the women lawmakers who wore white pantsuits to a Trump speech.

He tosses around the word “hysterical” like confetti. Oh, Kevin. You scamp. The word is derived from “hysteria,” originally considered a female neurotic ailment caused by problems with the uterus. I wonder if he knew that?

You have a low pain threshold, Cramer told Americans who weren’t thrilled about losing money because of the Trump initiated tariffs. That was a winner, and it proved that Kevin would side with Trump over North Dakota, for any reason.

He gave these examples, and more, after thinking about what to say about topic Z.

Kevin actually said this out loud, because it was the best he could come up with.

• “By the way, chain-link fences are around playgrounds all over America, all over North Dakota. And the chain-link fences allow line of sight visual connectivity with children and families. There’s, you know, there’s nothing inhumane about a chain-link fence. If it is, then every ballpark in America is inhumane.” — Published by Mrs. Jones second-grade class and all other news sources.

Can you imagine? You think about something all day, you sleep on it then give it some more thought, and all you could come up with, “If it is, then every ballpark in America is inhumane.” You would fire yourself and feel no remorse. I’ve got it coming, to be honest.

Then, even though this issue didn’t sneak up on brain, Cramer said this about Dr. Blasey Ford’s story of sexual assault committed by Brett Kavanaugh:

• “These are teenagers who evidently were drunk, according to her own statement. They were drunk. Nothing evidently happened in it all, even by her own accusation. Again, it was supposedly an attempt or something that never went anywhere.” — Mother Jones

Translated from this poorly coded Cramer remark: “Nothing happened unless the penis has penetrated the vagina.”

Actually, her version is a felony, but Trump Terriers keep digging no matter the facts. Nobody helped the poor congressman come up with that boof.

You get the idea. The Forum continues:

“Significantly, Cramer understands the importance of maintaining a light regulatory touch. He has been a clear voice for removing regulatory burdens on energy development, business and agriculture.”

Really? Does Kevin Cramer have a rhetorical “light regulatory touch?” That’s one way to put it, I suppose. Another way would be to say that Kev has a light concern for the safety of humans — and the future of this planet. Trump is his true love, not those far left whackos and their clean air fetishes.

How do the heavy regulatory tariffs affect junior’s clear voice? Trust the criminal, he says.

Anyway, the author continues on their fool’s errand to meet the word count. I’ve never seen the words, “eagerly embraced the more strident elements of the” anything, used in a complementary manner. Kavanaugh stridently held her down. Nope. She stridently kicked the genital grabber in the balls. That works better.

“Cramer has eagerly embraced the more strident elements of the Republican Party, having been a supporter of the Tea Party movement and, more recently, has been a staunch supporter of President Donald Trump, who has campaigned for Cramer in Fargo.”

Be straight, and just say that Cramer is a far right-wing whack job, alt-right, misogynist bigot. All he needs is the tiki torch. The Forum’s big shots know this. And KC’s itching to learn more bad habits from a stridently sociopathic Donald Trump.

And:

“Under Trump’s policies, supported by Cramer, the economy seems to be moving in the right direction.”

Seems? Kinda strong language there. Lots of things “seem” to be. Your dog seems to prefer some time apart. Trump seems to be less deranged after a nap. Bison seem to be docile creatures.

The economy was also moving in the right direction under Barack Obama’s policies, but he didn’t send out a Tweet to celebrate every bowel movement. Obama never laundered money or sided with Russia. He never mocked a sexual assault survivor or a disabled person. Is this all new, board people?

“Still, we would prefer to see a more nuanced approach from Cramer in his support for Trump when it comes to issues including the trade tariffs, which have sparked retaliatory tariffs that are hurting North Dakota farmers and manufacturers.”

Helloooo? If you don’t like the Cramer/Trump tariffs, it won’t help to vote for Kevin Cramer. He’s bolted to Trump’s bum, and DT will drive businesses right into ground and make Americans poorer, just to not be proven wrong. We know this. His love affair with Kim Jong-Un seems to going well, though. Donnie just glows.

“But Cramer doesn’t flinch when advocating policies he favors, or in speaking against policies he opposes.”

I don’t know about the flinching thing for positive, but I think Heidi could make him flinch with a quick strident move towards his person, at the next debate.

“He is not one of those politicians who keep a moistened finger in the wind.”

I don’t know where Kev keeps his finger, either, but he pledged his fidelity to one man. He said so. Anything less would be adultery. Yup, the Cramer mind came up with that screwy notion to counter Heitkamp’s moderate record.

“He’s always been one of North Dakota’s most accessible politicians.”

I would rather he do his job. Everyone knows how to get a hold of him. We don’t have to look at the guy. But if Cramer wants to sit on Port’s and Hennen’s collective laps every week, to answer radio questions from Chads and incels and call it a Town Hall, I don’t care.

“He also is now one of North Dakota’s most experienced officeholders, having held appointive and elective offices at both the state and federal level. Gov. Ed Schafer appointed Cramer to be North Dakota’s tourism director 25 years ago. He next served as the state’s economic development director and later was appointed to the Public Service Commission, an office he later won at the ballot box before getting elected to the U.S. House in 2012.”

Tax commissioner, attorney general, U.S. senator — all elected positions — and success in the private sector. Heidi wins. Plus, she’s smarter than Trump thinks he is.

“Heidi Heitkamp, who now holds the office, is a likable and able politician, but her views don’t align as well with those of North Dakota voters.”

They don’t? Which views, and based on what? Health care, tariffs, kids in cages, rape, food for kids? Which view doesn’t align? This is another myth, cleverly spread by conservative media and politicians. The myth is that North Dakota is so overwhelming red — a vast majority loves Trump — there’s no point in resisting this so-called fact.

The fact: Heidi Heitkamp has a higher rating in North Dakota than Donald Trump.

“We’re worried that if elected to what appears to be her last term, she would vote with her fellow Democrats to block or unravel progress that has been made. Specifically, we cite her vote against Brett Kavanaugh for the Supreme Court.”

Seriously? That’s what the Forum brain trust is worried about? Trump and sycophants are threatening our long time allies and cosying up to dictators. Sea water is taking over Miami streets, The permafrost is melting, and it will release a butt load of CO2 and methane. The ocean is dying. The United States no longer, or ever, welcomes refugees. Science has become political.

But you’re worried about Heidi undoing all of this “progress.” Damn, the New York sleaze got to the Forum, too.

Heitkamp didn’t vote for Kavanaugh for the reasons she explained at length. Cramer was a certain nonvoting yes, before beer-loving Brett was even nominated. I like my senators to not be captured and held hostage by a lunatic con man. I prefer my senators to vote their conscience.

A real poll indicated that 50 percent of North Dakotans didn’t give a nit about Kavanaugh, or anyone else, as far as the Supreme Court goes. This newspaper company, and other right-wingers, used figures that made it look like Kavanaugh was right up there with Roger Maris in popularity. He wasn’t. Heitkamp’s vote didn’t send a huge vibration through the tremendously huge North Dakota pro-BK community. There isn’t one.

The Forum’s objection is cited.

“We’re also troubled that Heitkamp has said she didn’t approve the ad that named — in some cases erroneously — women as sexual abuse victims. Although the senator has personally accepted responsibility and has apologized, why wasn’t she more involved in such a sensitive decision? We’re left wondering if she was more interested in making political points than advancing women’s rights.”

You’re wondering about that, huh. I can find more human errors in one copy of any of Forum Communications daily newspaper than I have teeth, and I’m working with a full set. I don’t freak out because I know that it must be difficult. So, you board people know exactly how any size of  mistake can happen.

You’re accusing a sitting senator of purposefully outing survivors of sexual violence. “We’re left wondering if she was more interested in making political points than advancing women’s rights.” That’s a vile outrageous insinuation. I blame Trump.

The right wing has been believing women since last week. It’s something.

And speaking of vile, Rob Port wrote a paragraph that looks very similar. It’s pure sleaze. Below is my reply to Port.

Can I plagiarize myself? We’ll soon find out how litigious I am. A parcel from an earlier column is being republished below because it’s same thing I futilely I told Port, about his same slur.

Ron Schalow: Fargo Forum’s Rob Port Lies About Heidi Heitkamp (Lies, Lies And More Lies)

But no one in their right mind thinks that Heidi Heitkamp physically dealt with the advertisement, at any point.

Enter bonzo blogger, and world’s 17th tallest garden gnome, Rob Port. Bad news for Heidi mercifully lets him forget 2012 for a moment. The lad’s been in a tailspin ever since his nemesis beat Rick Berg in the Senate race of that cursed year. Heidi hatred set in. HHH, they call it, on the street.

She was all the things that Port despises. A woman.

So Port, now in heat, set out writing. Heidi printed Cramer’s name without taking a knee, Heidi makes vicious cold- hearted professional assassins look Charmin soft. Heidi is mean. Heidi wouldn’t talk to me for years, which I bring up every day.

Heidi is under blistering attack from the man who orders his Whoppers with only the top half of the bun toasted. Or so I’ve heard. Port is a strange cat.

Then, Nibbles — Port’s nickname in kick dance, I assume — wrote this declarative sentence:

“Sadly, sticking it to Cramer seems to have won out over the senator’s better judgment.”

That’s a lie.

Port wants people to believe that Heidi personally and purposely chose to add a few extra random names for some reason.

I say prove it, Port. Tell us why.

Someone else did the vetting of the women for the list. Evidently, it was an employee. Anyone with experience outside of a bunker, could have told you that.

I already know that Port is a liar, the Forum knows he’s a liar, but they needed a man to cover south hill in Minot. He lies a lot. He can’t help himself. It certainly isn’t a secret. There are probably more lies sprinkled about in the same column, as the poor ceramic boy takes another stab at honest communication.