TONY J BENDER: That’s Life — Glad When It’s Over

I’m writing this before the election, so I don’t know what happened, which, come to think of it, is pretty much the norm for me, anyway.

If the Democrats won big nationally, as an avowed enemy of the people, I may be under the sheets, contentedly smoking a post-election cigarette. Any celebration will be short-lived, however. Even if Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer don’t destroy America before Christmas, by February we’ll be overrun by the Honduran Caravan of Death.

During the last Apocalypse in April, there were 14 arrests at the border! I pray our American battalions are able to hold them off. The military precision of this invasion resembles the invasion of Poland in 1939, but instead of Panzers, the Hondurans are coming at us with baby strollers. Beware the pincer movement.

I won’t be smoking the Weed Pot of Death in bed, however, because even if Measure No. 3 passed in North Dakota, it wouldn’t be legal for a month. That’s just enough time for lead opponent and state shuffleboard champion Bob Wefald to gather up the jewelry and spirit his family out of the state before Cheech, Chong, Jeff Spicoli, Willie Nelson and The Dude seize control of the Legislature and the streets run green with freedom.

Everyone can see what has happened to Canada since marijuana was legalized. Hockey violence is down so much they’re playing in figure skates.

Heidi Heitkamp came out against Measure No. 3 — no surprise — but it really upset a friend of mine. “First she comes out against Brett “Kegger” Kavenaugh,” he said. “That’s like voting against beer! There’s no way I can vote for her now!”

“Hey,” I said, “Don’t throw the baby out with the bong water. Besides, you’re Native American, you’re not supposed to vote, anyway.”

Apparently, what’s good for the goose is good for the goose hunter. The Heitkamp campaign tried to suppress the out-of-state hunter vote in the waning days of the campaign. This enraged the GOP, who accused Heidi “… of, um, well, acting like us!”

There were other controversies as well. Legislators Dan Ruby and Janna Myrdal were furious that the things they said while throwing Secretary of State Al Jaeger under the bus during the GOP convention had resurfaced. Turns out, they were with Al all the way. Kinda like President Trump was with Lyin’ Ted all the way. “This is an outrage — dirty politics,” Ruby said according to our best guess. “Everyone knows we don’t mean what we say!”

Meanwhile, Jaeger, with a campaign imagined by a Minnesota firm for less than $10,000, passed out T-shirts and bumper stickers in a futuristic Arial font that read: “I’m not a window peeper.” Jaeger also pointed to recent modernization efforts that include MS-DOS and a new fax machine.

Whatever the results, I’m just glad the election is over so we don’t have to listen to Measure No. 1’s Badass Grandma’s going on and on about doing the right thing for the citizens of North Dakota. Good grief, if we wanted that don’t you think we’d elect different people? They ought to stick to crocheting and let grifters do what they do best.

As a journalist, I am forever grateful for the selfless outpouring of support from Big Oil for their opposition to the ethics bill, which as we all know, was a subversive attempt to squelch First Amendment protections for journalists and religion — the good religions involving Jesus and the good journalism involving Rob Port, I presume. If that doesn’t prove that Big Oil has our best interests at heart, I don’t know what does.

God bless America. (Unless the Democrats won.)