• Later this month, Donald Trump tells Justin Trudeau to keep those low IQ Canada geese on his side of the loser border. “Or what?” asks the Prime Minister. “We’ll hit them with the tear gas, that’s what, junior. No, wait. I’ll have them lined up and shot. Did you hear that, Trudy? We’re going to shoot them with our guns. We have most of the guns, so don’t push it.

******

• Trump brags about eradicating the fictional “Rocket Ammonia,” just as the scientific community confirms that he is the primary carrier of the “Boogie Woogie Blues” that has become a pandemic, especially in the woogie community. ******
• Putin is putting all of his chips on Trump for 2020. They’ve already started their social media campaign. They don’t even try to hide it anymore. They put “paid for by the Russians” on all of their stuff. It doesn’t seem to matter.

******

• Since 1958: Every game, a college or NFL announcer will comment on the down by injury player. “Oh my, that doesn’t look good. His sprain, tear, broken bone, dislocation and/or concussion, is NOT going to help his team’s chances. He had the best numbers in the league for his position and they were already thin at his position. Those two little guys are now helping the player off the field. We’ll have Pam find out if the player is permanently crippled.”

******

• Supreme Court Justice Brett “I like beer. I like beer. I don’t know if you do. … Do you like beer, Senator, or not? What do you like to drink? Senator, what do you like to drink?” Kavanaugh will be caught wearing a hydration device filled with beer. He would put his hand pensively up to his chin and suck the beer through a plastic tube. The robe was perfect camouflage for refrigerated ice-cold Bud Light. The ruse became necessary after BK’s idea to install a tap beside his little mallet was nixed.

******

• Trump claims he invented the trumpet.

******

• Kevin Cramer gets stuck in a ballpark, exactly like the kid cages to his mind, surrounded by chain-link fencing. He sleeps on the mound and races pigeons for stray popcorn that has blown in. Harold Hamm doesn’t visit. Trump doesn’t call. No one on his staff can figure out how to the Senator out of there.

******

• Trump files for bankruptcy on behalf of the United States. “We aren’t paying nobody for nothing. That’s how it’s done. We’re balanced, so time for more tax cuts.”

******

• Youngsters start to think that Trump’s first name is, “Without any evidence.”

******

• Trump will expand his use of the phrase “shithole countries” to include “shithole counties,” to demean state counties he defines as losers. Most of the Californian counties are included so far. He’s been told some things about Cass County, so keep your fingers crossed.

******

• Cramer will forget he latched onto Trump like a baby spider monkey. “Well, Rob, I think it’s funny that the liberal media has all this extra time to comment on what I may have, or may haven’t, said in the past, perhaps in the heat of the moment, as though it was their job, or something, to keep records on such a travesty, when there are oilmen in this country down to their last billion of dollars, and the government has the nerve to expect that some of these people, who might be veterans or home-schooled expectant mothers, to pay for fishing licenses. A license to fish? Are you kidding me? This outrageous and antithetical to our North Dakota values. Let them eat fish a wise woman once said, and it wasn’t Heidi or Hillary, or any of those sick white pantsuit women, who can wreck a man’s life with a single lie or two truths. The madness never ends.”

******

• North Dakota Gov. Doug Burgum will become less visionary to appease the anti-visionary wing of the North Dakotan Republican Party. Frankly, he makes them a little jittery when they would prefer not to be that way.

******

• Hip boots will become popular for clubbing in Miami and other low-lying coastal cities around the globe, except where the people can’t afford Eddie Bauer keychains. They will be spelled waiders to maintain coolness.

******

• The permafrost will continue to melt and emit CO2 and methane. Bacteria and viruses can live in a frozen state for hundreds of thousands of years, so the world will see illness and disease that we have never seen. The melting will make it hotter and make super big holes suddenly appear.

******

• “Say, have you got a pair of those Waiders, yet?” Trump asks Wolf Blitzer.

******

• It will be announced that the buck no longer stops at the Oval Office desk. The buck stopping had a good run. Some presidents accepted a few of the bucks while planting other bucks in the pocket of an unsuspecting scapegoat. All the buck does now is the planting.

******

• There will be upgrading to the kid cages by using that thick rope for climbing into boats and such, instead of the chain link. They’ll never chew through these and the kids can get a little exercise.

******

• Rob Port will take up welding. It’s time. Everyone should have at least one skill on their resume to break up the monotony of an empty sheet of paper.

******

• Sneezing fish will be found sneezing. It seems that the dumping of coal-mining waste into streams has the fish sneezing. ACHOOOO! And not underwater sneezing. They come to the surface and it’s quite noisy. People who live close to the water are losing sleep. The raccoons are cranky.

******

• There will be more headlines like this. “Deported U.S. Veterans In Mexico Hope To Get Back Home!” When Trump gets to the Norwegians, there’s going to be trouble.

******

• In a rare ceding of territory, Mexico moves the line and gives Texas another 300 miles of state. Trump’s wall would now be on the wrong side. He goes nuts. “You can’t do that you stupid Mexico. We have an agreement. Oh yes, we have an agreement. You got to keep all of the little dogs, I remember. The papers are around here somewhere. I’ll get wrathful if I must.”

******

• The NDGOP keeps on lying about the North Dakota oil extraction tax. having trouble with the math, they lied about it for years. Here, writes their trusty conduit into the Fargo Forum bloodstream, Rob Port, I’ll show you two reasons that 4.5 is not less than 6 by comparing two unrelated other numbers to the argument, and by calling the tax cut “reform,” as if doing so changes the outcome.

******

• “Who Gnu what you gnu and when did they gno it?” becomes an irritating, especially long, greeting, like WAAAZUP? People can’t hear you not say the silent G. Maybe it works better in an email. “Will de beast be coming for dinner?” was less popular, except in the African savannah, where it was quite likely the will de beast would be served at gnun. Both phrases caught on with hyper-geeky tech types due to the Unix-like operating system software called GNU, which they find funny.

******

• Kim Jong-un will file for a restraining order against Trump. “I no longer feel the love. He must show his true self for us to work. His psycho self. His evil self. He must stay away from those other monster boys, especially Vlad — I rode a horse with no shirt on once. It’s not a big deal — for us to work.”

******

• In January 2017 “You can’t have thousands of people being shot in a city, in a country that I happen to be president of. Maybe it’s OK if somebody else is president. I want them to fix the problem. They have a problem that’s very easily fixable.”

So, in 2019, Trump still has not explained his easy way to end the gun violence in Chicago.

******

• It will be officially acknowledged by the timekeeping community, that Trump years are longer than regular years, even though we have the same number of days. Something is going on, right? They are Trump days. We’re time traveling in an odd way. So, people slow down accordingly since it takes twice as long now to get through the same day. Essentially, but not mathematically, you can do half as much and still be caught up. It seems to be one of those Black Mirror type things. We’ll just feel it when the episode is over.

******

• Amazon sets up kiosks and storefronts in shopping malls across the country that offer free shipping on packages you want to send to anywhere in the U.S. and Canada. They only ask that you allow them to put your item in another box, seven times too large — at Amazon’s expense — and fill it in with those little air pillows. Something fishy will be happening.

******

• To raise some extra cash, White House gargoyle Stephen Miller starts scaring vampires or whatever needs scaring, really, off people’s lawns for a fee. Badly in debt to Trump University, way behind on payments for his generous credit card donation to the Trump Foundation and his generous credit card donation to the Trump PAC. Of course his subscription to “Lifelike” is no bargain, either, since flashes cannot be used to photograph most subjects.

******

• Finally, whoever started this nonsense will admit that he meant a “War on Christmas trees,” not on “Christmas.” Killed off by the millions, and used for decor, these trees are the true victim of a religious holiday that careened off the rails years ago.

******

• VP Mike Pence, overwrought by what he has wrought, disappears. Someone eventually notices, but no one will accept the VP position. Anyway, his wife split a while back and the liquor is running. He gets quite sad and other things.

Impulsively, he proposes to Melania using his secret email account. She responds, “Yes, oh yes,” then tells him to get a divorce and meet her in Papua, New Guinea. Mike goes to New Guinea and waits. Finally, he realizes that Melania is having a big laugh at his expense. Well, lesson learned.

So Pence proposes to Stormy Daniels on his secret email account. She responds, “Yes, oh yes,” then tells him to get a divorce and meet her in Ciudad del Este, Paraguay. He’s still there as far as we know, living off mangoes and milk smoothies.

******

• Trump resigns. Don’t know yet which month, so keep your shirt on. As 49 investigations close in, Trump becomes an obese shell of a man. He needs a way out, so DT will fake a heart attack and a Tweet will go out four hours ago later. “It was the deadliest heart attack in world history. The biggest by far. The doctors said if I didn’t have the constitution of a junkyard billygoat, whatever that means, I might have passed (died!) Consequently, I will be stepping down as your president to spend more time with the chick I just met HERE IN THE HOSPITAL. I have no clue, no clue, where Melania is. Don’t call unless it has to do with that thing. Audie most. #SADDESTDAYINAMERICANHISTORY”

He’s spotted on the Mar-a-logo golf course two days later.

Since there is no VP, Nancy Pelosi will become the placeholder president until 2020.