(Satire)

“Before the elephant gets in the room, we should make the room elephant-proof.” — Rep. Luke Simons, Bastiat Party (Not Satire)

And I think that’s good policy for any room. Who wants an elephant in your room? Have you ever seen the size of those beasts? They’re enormous. And the aroma in close spaces would be unpleasant to the nose. You can kiss your onion dip goodbye, that’s for sure. I heartily agree with Simons on this one.

So opening with a quote by an eminent elephant proofer has been taken care of, so we can finally move on to the other bans.

As for the banning of global warming, regulations and elephants, the following person sent out a press release via email with a North Dakota Republican Party logo. You can do that, I guess. Anyhow, he emailed the following text to a stupidly broad group. It doesn’t cost any extra, I guess, so why not? Cambodia. Sure. His business.

Anyway, we’ll start with the sender and his extemporaneous words, to show who we’re dealing with here, and so the content makes some sense. Don’t get your hopes up. The email message was signed by:

Rep. Mooky Anonymous. The Mookster — they call me anonymously — chooses to remain anonymous in the third person. Just because Mook wants to be anonymous. It’s certainly not any of your business. Who cares? And they have zero proof on that thing in Oriska, so we’re not reopening that fiasco of a misunderstanding.

Besides, you have no idea how much static I would get from the other guys for even squeaking. I’m supposed to be visually anonymous, too, so using my true identity may be disturbing for those who maybe thought I was dead. Hey, how you doing? Thud. Any of the reasons a person might drop hard to the ground are a hassle.

“Good afternoon fellow ice people and yes it’s cold.

The temperature nonsense had a good run, but now it’s over. Always in our face, this climate stuff. Not anymore. If anyone cared about the temperature, they wouldn’t purposefully be living in a frigid wind tunnel.

We’re not going to talk about it, even less than we talked about it before. We’re not going to participate in any of these leftist scare tactics and be conned into giving up our oil and coal. No goddamn way!!!

I’m sorry for the gd’s, but goddamn it, you knew what you were getting when you voted straight Republican. Hell, some of the guys, what? Yes, the guys because I don’t like the women being in such close proximity. Tough. Just because President Trust Fund gets grabby around the ladies doesn’t mean I have to copy his disgusting habits.

Anyhoo, some of the guys in this outfit might be Amish. There’s nothing wrong with being Amish, but what the hell are they doing here? Something dodgy is going on. I seriously think these guys could raise a barn in a few hours. If we needed one.

If you cared about the future of the Earth, and we know you don’t because you might get teased by the guys in the warehouse, and that’s where you draw the line. Besides, everyone knows that Donald J. Trump, aside from his criminal enterprises, has our best interests in mind.

You didn’t know we knew that you didn’t care about the “Earth” didja? You don’t know the half of it. And you’re sitting in your favorite chair at this moment. Spooky, huh.

It’s a real short story. We not giving up our oil and coal. We’re not interested in wind, solar or hula dancing. Nothing kinetic will be allowed. We’re aware the rule is giving up a fair portion of physics and those rules, but what has physics ever done for us? Bupkus. It’s all gibberish x Yiddish = A witch with a hoax in her bag, so its stifled.

Frankly, the NDGOP would rather knowingly help cause an abrupt ocean-sized culling of our species than admit to ignorance and that goes double for me.

We’re in charge, so it’s final. If you don’t like it, you can blow it out your tailpipe or move to Maosota.

And don’t get me started on regulations. I’ll get myself started. Since the Bastiat Caucus libertarians wormed their way in here its liberty this and liberty that. God, guns and an underfinanced government.

I think they’re hoping it would just close up so raw milk can be sold, we aren’t forced to wear seat belts, not be lectured about swallowing the food you just chewed and they can give free guns to the homeless. The police predict eight murders and 38 suicides will be committed on the first day, but nobody can predict such things. Except for the cops and bartenders.

Job killers, investment thwarters and hard to understand sentences. If I want to jam a Sharpie into my ear, whose business is that? Occasionally, oil trains explode and Jello is tainted with cyanide. That will teach Jello and the irresponsible dead people for not being aware.

And my business is doing super. The hemp — he gave me his word — hats are flying off the shelves. Some are just hovering menacingly above the toasters. Customers think they’re suspended with fishing line, but the hats are definitely hovering. I don’t need the government bringing their elephant to this X-File parade.

The government would just kill the vibe, man. That’s what it does. You wouldn’t believe the markup on these hats and they’re making me a fortune with all the new money in town, and especially with the regular buyers who wear sunglasses indoors and need a lot of hats. I don’t see the appeal of the style or the quite pungent aroma, but I’m not the arbiter of taste.

And the perks aren’t going away, either!! Have you seen the size of those shrimp? The marbling. Oh, the marbling on those ribeyes nearly made me cry. Nobody would quit this, and YOU KNOW IT!!! Sometimes we get to wear hard hats. Yellow ones in my experience.

The elephants are on their own and bending a knee for all I care.

Signed

I fooled you, My name is actually Raul Secret Sauce (R), representing a town and 800 square miles of wheat. I had to use the double-dip defense for reasons of security. That’s what that wise-ass page told me to do. Everything else about me is true, as far as you know.

Except I don’t cut my own hair. That’s a false rumor being spread around by Sen. Ahmad None Of Your Business, my nemesis. You’re going to get your’s sir. My brother has vision like a hawk. So watch it!! I don’t know what that means, either. He keeps talking about his hawklike vision,. I just assume that it can be used in a violent way against you, Ahmad. Better safe than sorry for your part, I would advise, you wanker.”