• “How did you do the laundering, Mr. President?”

“You see that? Pimento loaf-face press hack just harassed me. I, Donald J,  like the word jay. Trump. It’s the most shameful thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life, and nobody knows more about shameful things than me, believe me. Tremendous high ceilings. It might be the most shameful thing ever, some people are saying to me in the ladies locker room. Don’t blame me, you losers. It’s 2017. Can you believe it?

“Women are landing on the moon every day during my administration. I burned my retinas looking at it that one time, with Melanie, I call her Mel and that kid who lives with her. It’s so moony, as I suppose anyone would notice if they weren’t trying to make me look bad. No, no, not you. You’re fake news. You sweetheart, in the back with the big rack. Oh, boy, I suppose I’m in trouble now, for rhyming about a tremendously large chest. Blame Pocohontus, Horseface, Octaviopuss and the other feministas. It’s shameful. Men have to be very careful with the groping, these days. Cramer had to bring the My Pillow guy to the big speech, and he’s no looker. Kissup Kevin or Mr. Cheap Pillow head. Go ahead doll.”

• “Mr. President, have you ever seen a package of pimento loaf lunch meat, and did you open it?”

“Ah, you snuck a twofer in there. That’s OK. We don’t mind, Mrs? Never mind. My train went to the Poconos for a second. Lunch meat. There’s meat just for lunch? It’s great time to be alive in America when you can use any bathroom you want because the Democrats want your children to be molested, unprotected by chain link. Hey, the chopper was turned off. They could be having trouble with the Trump brand casing for the electric windows. Ivana’s tall kid likes to stick his head out when we’re cruising. A duck flew into his face last fall and the bill stuck right in his mouth. It was a mallard, I think. It made a helluva ruckus in the cabin. We can’t get the windows on the plane to open, for some reason.

“Nancy Pelosi. What type of person is this? She clapped her hands right in my face like she was trying to kill a fly. I didn’t see a fly. It could have been a bee. The State of the Union was widely thought of as a reading test, but it was much more. Believe me. Very well received. Some are saying that my speech, that I wrote myself, it wasn’t that hard. It took about a half an hour to craft those complicated words, and some are saying that it was right up there with the Ladysburgh Address. I can’t disagree. I was tremendous and the haters can go to hell. So to answer your question, millions of rapists, murderers, and terrorists are driving those little cars with a sandbox on the back right across our open borders to cause mayhem in our peaceful white country and Nancy Pelosi is right there to greet them. I’ve heard that Nance has built a small bungalow on the border so she can entertain these criminals with fine pastries and Mr. Pibb. What a loser, in her white KKK robe and calling me the racist. Fake news. Where do they come up with this stuff?”

• “HELLOOO, THE MONEY LAUNDERING?”

“Who was that? No shouting. Shoot that guy, would you, Stan? You’re the closest. The evil media is now yelling and harassing. I’m the president, you know. You think it’s easy for a 219-pound man to stand on his bone spurs and talk at you enemies of the people. Period. It was the biggest victory since Cassius Clay beat Sonny Liston, which cost me a fortune. My victory had people, even the Jews, laying in the streets and crying for joy. It was an amazing scene, and I’ve seen Stormy with the lights on. I knocked Ali down with one punch, in his prime. I don’t care what the FBI, or any of those deep state stooges, think. I get my news right from the source.

“Kim says everything is cool, right to my face. The Ayatollah called to say that they’ve ramped up production on a huge bomb with my name on it. The creepy Miller lad has the inside scoop on the border, and I’m just naturally informed. Good genes. I thank a good pair of extra comfort fit jeans and the squirrely one on Fox and Friends. Ann Coulter is built like a light pole and somebody drilled a hole into Rush’s head for complicated research reasons, so they aren’t the boss of me. It’s standard procedure. Anyway, as I was telling my good friend, we’re great friends, I think he’s Bebe Rebozo’s stepson twice removed. He said Cheney tried to shoot him at the partridge farm, whatever that is. Amirite? Now, there was animosity like you wouldn’t believe. I said to little Bebe. I wonder if he’s related to Bibi Netanyahu? The way I’ve found to launder some hinky dough. It came up because he had warehouses of dirty loot. Huge structures full. Nobody knows about structures more than me. Certainly, I’m much more filled with, with something inside my brain more than any other president. Obama, Barack they called him, couldn’t build a fried chicken coop. Believe me. People are talking. The worst coops ever, perhaps.

“Perhaps. So I was telling him how I take a load of bad cash, horrible cash, in the limo to New York. Right in the southern districts grill. They can get screwed. I can run a charity for myself if I want. Good things could happen, though. We could say that murder isn’t a big deal. Everything could flip with the sentencing like littering sends you to the chair. And treason isn’t even prosecuted. I think we could do that. Let me look into it. Anyway, cash in the limo, right? Then we, I have to be there, or else, and posing for the camera — I can do that, amirite, bada bing bada boom. — aaaaaaaaaah. It was right there by my brain. Now it’s going to drive me crazy. This could drive a guy insane, oh, oh, oh, posing for the camera with incriminating evidence. That’s it. Oh?

“I can launder money like Mike Pence goes through holy grape juice. I guess it’s a little different than cleaning moola through real estate deals. Still, there are Russians coming out the ears. But that’s how I  do it now. That’s what I call it, moola. And the cats in the cradle and a delicious silver spoon. Cat Stevens. Is he still around, and it was around that time I won president.

“So I talk to this Bob, guy. I call him black Bob. All the blacks I know I call black Bob, to keep it from getting confusing. Can you imagine how perplexing that could get? Very, very mojitos for some people. I just know this one, so I may have misspoken, May have misspoken. I’ve never seen anything like it.

“Bob, the one I know. Just drives us up to this Reserve. Why it’s reserved, I do not know. I do know. Someone thought it was funny when I said it, once. I don’t see anyone looking humored at all, not even “Bottom Lip Fishhook Nathanial.” I see you back there, you asshole. One star for my fabulous speech of the union? Shoot him, too, Stan. Ohh, a little wide, huh Stan.

“Sorry about that girly from? From? Where are you from, from miss, hey, you’re really bleeding. If Chicago Med has taughten me anything it’s that we’re looking at a femoral problem. Goddang it, Stan. What good are you anyway? And the other one is still standing. And black Bob goes in with bad money and comes out with good money. One hundred percent, but we take a little cut. We even tip Bob. He says that’s unusual for someone to be so kind. We could just take a few thousand pounds of hundreds if we wanted. Maybe we will, For now, it’s fun doing the laundry.

“I was deprived as a child. I never got to do the laundry. Experts tell me that it doesn’t make any difference, but I am scarred. Maybe me and Pocahontas have more in common than we think. No more questions you jackals.”