Proclamation on Declaring a National Emergency Concerning the Novel Coronavirus Disease

Oval Office: Jan.13, 2020

THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans: I sit before you a (cough) humble man — not a hefty man, an obese man or a gingerbread man — just a regular heavily made-up fellow who is going to do the right thing whether the elitist establishment likes it or not. I will speak the truth to the American people.

No, no, no — don’t try to stop me. (Sigh)

Well, that felt flat. OK, who am I even talking to here? Who wrote that sentence?

The Times will have a field day if they find out about it. They’ll say that I didn’t even read this speech. Like that’s necessary.

Where were we? OK, I see it. I said I can see where I left off! Make the words move, Goofus. Get Erik out of here. You’re shameful and a third-rate son. Go shoot a giraffe or something rare. Certainly not medium-rare. For chrissakes. Who made me say that?

For reasons I suspect are due to greed, nobody I know upstanders.

Wait. Is this supposed to say understands? You’re a terrible typer and a lousy bowler, werewolf neck.

Anyway, my closest compadres don’t understand why I would want the American people to know that the very possible threat is nothing to sneeze at.

Goddammit. (Sigh) They don’t see me as a caring man. Me? Seriously? Not caring? I’ve probably cared more than anyone in history, but I’ve been judged unfairly. Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t have been able to handle the distrust I’m showered with every hour.

Americans deserve a fair warning, so they can take personal precautionary measures if they desire. If you level with the people, they will do what it takes. If you lie, it confuses the base. More. Confuses the base more. It ain’t that hard, believe me.

If they sneeze in China, a butterfly flaps its wings.

Knock it off with the teleprompter words you, you, acting teleprompter director. This is a tremendously serious business, and I’m trying to perfectly enunciate it. Perfect, like all of my phone calls.

I don’t care what you say anymore, Mnoochie. And you’re powerfully fired. Go creep someplace else, Munster. Take Miller with you. Ugh.

So a few hedge fund managers are wetting the bed. Tough toenails, although I did give the Mar-o-Lago gang an insignificant warning. Is that legal? Whatever. It’s legal if I say it’s legal. They can walk it off or rub some dirt on it. Take a goddamn salt tablet. Geez.

All Americans, including Puerto Ricans, listen up: I am declaring a national emergency, and I’ll tell you why.

I think you jokers buried the lede. Seriously. Stupid writers. (sigh)

Now please listen carefully to my words. There’s a virus spreading outwards from the 11 million person city of Wuhan, the capital of Central China’s Hubei province. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention believe it to be a novel coronavirus that probably transmits between humans. It’s catchy.

Can the Chinese government contain this respiratory disease? I don’t know. Maybe. How would I know?

But because my administration — even with its dog breeders and my children — didn’t remove our CDC embeds from China and dozens of other countries, we know it’s serious. Our people told us so.

Dr. Robert R. Redfield, the director of the CDC, told the National Security Council (NSC) on Jan. 2. That’s the earliest date I can admit knowing anything on the advice of the NSC. Fortunately, the plan went into effect when the coughing started in Wuhan.

We have our eyes on China like you wouldn’t believe.

Disaster investors —  the good ones know when the wind blows the flies off a hippo in Ethiopia. I don’t know how that matters, but they use intelligence to make bets on the market and the vultures saw what was happening in China and invested accordingly.

You would think that our well-heeled governors would have been tipped off to the invisible enemy by their broker.

Serious, serious. What a word. I think that was the exact word. It means bad. Bad. We can’t expect this to blow over or be stopped with Windex or WD-40.

Oh, get this rare fact. Most people don’t know anything, but the 1918 Spanish flu started in Kansas and not Kansas, Spain. It was our Kansas, which we know and love. I suppose on a farm, since the origin involved a man, a chicken and a pig. Was the pig a Spaniard? I won’t try to describe what happens next. Draw your own conclusions and leave me out of it.

And because the CIA reported their concerns about a SARS-like sickness in China that prompted President Xi Jinping to actively participate in the crisis, we know it’s serious. Mucho grave. I’m not being sarcastic. My great friend Xi is quite a guy.

Is the virus already in the United States? I don’t know. Maybe. If it is, our disease hunters will find the virus and contain any outbreaks. Disease hunting isn’t as glamorous as it sounds.

What a cool name, though. What do you do? Oh, I’m just a disease hunter. Wouldn’t that be tremendous? In the 1970s, I knew more than anyone about diseases.

So, to unleash the full power of the federal government, I am declaring a national emergency. Two very big words. National emergency. It’s a pretty big deal.

As commander-in-chief, I am obligated to defend and protect the nation. I always honor my obligations.

It means the national government takes the lead because state borders are very porous and the president and Congress are sworn to provide for the common defense.

It means I will immediately invoke the Defense Production Act because we might run out of production. It means emergency funding will be made available.

An attack of any kind, whether it be a natural disaster, a disease, or a terrorist, is an attack on us all. States can’t opt-out of a constitutionally formed nation under assault, so don’t even think about it. We know how that works out. Not good. Not good.

We’re all in this together. And this is not the flu or comparable to car accidents. Nobody is cooking the books. Nobody is dying just to spite the Sovereign Bastiat’s.

How stupid would you have to be to minimize this threat or the lives of our marvelous people? Tell the libertarians to win an election if they want a chaotic free for all.

Team Trump will lay every hurdle down.

I don’t even know what that means. Can you lay down a hurdle? I guess.

Anyway, no resource will be spared. Nothing will stand in ours way.

Ours? That can’t be right.

Can’t stand in the way, duh, duh, because this administration is prepared.

We really stuck an ice pick in our own testicle with that distraction, didn’t we? (Sigh)

Is the U.S. prepared? Yes.

Aren’t we, Bob? OK. That’s Good. Just checking.

Pence! Put a mask on. I don’t care if it makes your whole head eggshell white. Stare at the sun for 12 to 15 seconds a day like a normal person. What do you have to lose?

That’s the time for regular people. Personally, I can go a lot longer. Isn’t that amazing? And before you know it, the face and hands, ah, and I guess a little arm, will prove that a guy has blood pressure. Can you believe it?

So, when my fellow Republicans were clamoring for huge tax cuts that would primarily benefit the rich, I said no. I gave it the old thumbs down sign. It means you’re not hitchhiking. So I promised. I lied. Was that a big surprise? But they were shocked that I lied. Oh, grow up. It’s all the rage. So boo-hoo, caribou.

Remember when Snoopy, the funny dog, said Toodle hoo caribou? That’s what I just did.

Just for clarity, since you know I like to be accurate. I’m not referring to “Boo-Hoo,” a 1937 hit song recorded by Guy Lombardo as the Internet apparently was aware. I don’t know how they do it.

Larry Ellison, the Oracle guy  — a tremendous company, a greater cookie  — taught me how to find stuff on a computer. It’s a disgusting place, I’ll tell you that.

We’ll see what happens. It could catch on, I told Larry last year. Nobody could have predicted that the internet would turn out to be such a tremendous success in my first term. They really couldn’t.

People are looking for answers. Aren’t we all?

Instead of tax cuts, we shored up funding to the CDC and other useful programs and actively prepared for this moment. Even I didn’t see that coming.

Obama suggested I try the old switcheroo. No tax cuts and preparing for a moment? Can you believe it? The Microsoft guy was thoroughly aggravated and informative  — right down the hall from here  —  since he has our platinum membership. He might have a key.

My black friend Barack wanted money for the CDC, but the Tea Party said it didn’t believe in disease control, gun control, climate change or tasteful attire and they told the Kenyan to stuff it.

What did the shored up funding cost? It was a pittance compared to what a total catastrophe would take from us. Billions to trillions. A lot of trillions. And where are the teabaggers now? Nobody knows.

Diseases that can kill hundreds of thousands of our citizens, devastate the economy and ruin the lives of Americans, are a matter of national security.

Wishful thinking is not enough. There is nothing under the sink that will fix this. We wouldn’t lay down our guard and allow a nuclear attack or an infestation of gophers. We’re currently in melee with giant wasps that came to kill our tremendous American bees. Nobody saw them coming.

George W. Bush attacked Iraq because he “thought” Saddam “might” get an atomic bomb. If Iran teases our big ships, we shoot down their boats. We are touchy. But please don’t touch any strangers or come within six feet of anyone. It’s actually not that hard.

We spend a fortune to fight anything that might kill a lot of our people tomorrow. But diseases aren’t thrilling enough? Is that the issue? It’s hard to fault a natural occurrence for showing up on occasion, but defund the defense? It’s shameful. How do you think my generals would feel if they got shorted on missiles?

We build some fighter planes just to save jobs. You wouldn’t believe how many jobs this intervention to contain the virus will save. It’s a lot. Probably the most that have ever been saved. A lot. Nobody can count so high.

Not good, is how my generals will take any ordinance shortage, I can tell you that. A lethal infection can kill more of our people than a disastrously mishandled war. You heard me. I said it. In days, civilians could start to perish by the hundreds, then thousands, if not for our preparations.

We must turn away from this defunding of the government path. Drown it in a bathtub some nut said. That’s what they’re still saying. How stupid would that be?

Anyway, Is it really realistic to believe that the virus won’t reach the United States?

I mean seriously, people. Hell, Jared can take his jet to China, Bulgaria, Luxembourg and be back home in 24 hours. I assume, but you get the gist. It wasn’t my turn to watch Mr. Clammy Slenderman.

I’m not willing to take a chance. We must be vigilant. Play it conservatively. We cannot be complacent in this age of global travel.

Jared, you’re fired. You never told me you were a slumlord. I had to find out from Tucker. I won’t stand for sleaze or nepotism in my White House. Shoo.

What a weiner. Jared thought I was going to put him in charge of fighting the pandemic  — like I’m that stupid. Why don’t I just jam a fork into white Mike’s leg? Gawd. I’m looking for the Dwight Eisenhower of our day that I haven’t fired yet to fight the invisible enemy.

Had we not pivoted very forcefully, very powerfully, to prevention, the entire country could be brought to its knees by a coronavirus pandemic without a fight.

How much would that cost in lives and treasure? It would be catastrophic. Our greatest economy ever would be left in ruins. People will go hungry. Some will be forced into studio apartments with poor lighting.

Goddamn it, this is getting a little redundant. Scroll ahead a few feet, rat face.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Somebody said that. They could have said it earlier to some people.

This isn’t something I do as a hobby. I want to do a good job. If you want to watch TV and Twitter away the day, don’t run for President. Believe me, it won’t work. And boy, you must watch the Chinese. They’ve been known to lie, and once a liar, always a liar.

You have to read, a lot, and learn stuff, because running the United States is a lot harder than the casino business, yet, somehow more profitable.

You have to pay attention to everything. If you don’t care, things will go very badly. It’s maddening how some stuff doesn’t just work itself out.

Of course, if you have the mental and emotional intelligence of Donald J. Trump, it’s all pretty easy.

If you just want to leave an imprint of your presidential badge — have some of those made, Erv  — on the foreheads of certain people who’ve made fun of you over the years, very unfairly, don’t run. Lording the job over others is not a good reason for wanting to be president. Listen to your mother.

Okay, stop the words right there!

Currently, millions of doctors, nurses, and scientists, including thousands from the CDC, have been surveying every inch of this country every minute to find any evidence of respiratory illness or a hint of the disease we’ve known about since December. No expense will be spared.

No dummies allowed. All very intelligent people, even if they aren’t all doctors. Of course, an MBA is just as impressive if you think about it.

Every clinic, hospital, nursing home, assisted living facility — basically every doctor, nurse, and health care worker in the country — is on the case and on the lookout. Every scrap of information, with no patient name attached, will be forwarded to the national syndromic surveillance network electronically for analysis.

Al Gore rhythms? That doesn’t sound right, but these brave souls are using AGR for lots of stuff, I’ve got to tell you. It’s something new. I’ve been hearing good things. It could be a game-changer.

We’re always in containment mode because a lethal virus isn’t going to send an invitation or call that it’s on the way. Wouldn’t that be nice? Humans and animals are getting crammed together more and more, and those conditions can spark all kinds of nasty things at any moment.

Always be ready to contain. That’s my motto.

Containment involves  — and you can look these steps up. It seems like I’ve been droning on forever  — increased surveillance, early case recognition, isolation, contact tracing, multiple types of testing ASAP and whatever else these science persons think is important. That’s how I roll.

We will check the temperature of each person entering the United States from overseas, with handheld laser thermometer guns and heat imaging. Nothing hurts. Nothing gets inserted or injected.

But the tests can be uncomfortable, unless you enjoy having your brain stabbed through the nose. That’s what they’re saying.

If somebody says there is a dot glowing on your forehead, it probably isn’t an indicator of a sniper or S.W.A.T., but a temperature gun like Spock carried. If you work in a gray area, I would duck to be on the safe side.

Some people will have their temp taken so many times, they’ll have the numbers memorized. Knowing something is a small price to pay.

The CDC, plus public and private labs around the world are working to develop accurate testing. We will work with our allies to complete this task as soon as possible.

This no time to lick frogs or wish for more Norwegians.

We will be prepared to perform massive testing for the virus even if we have to construct facilities to produce the kits for this national emergency. The states will not be abandoned on my watch. I don’t care what color they are on a map. I am President of all the people. Seriously. I’m not joking.

We will hire and train a million people to do testing and will hire another million, if necessary. But it won’t be required, because of me.

Our mission is to prevent death and stem the spread of infectious outbreaks in its tracks. Mandatory shutdowns will only happen if we fail.

We will keep the virus at bay until an effective antidote, inoculation, uh, vaccine, that’s the word I was searching for. Its vaccine, not vacuum. Drugs for treating the symptoms are in development.

I’ve never seen a vacuum. Oh, wait, yes I have. It’s for cleaning. I gathered that by his attire and suction noise.

Meantime, individuals who want to increase their chances of not getting infected by the novel coronavirus should do these things:

• Wash your hands like a maniac. Sing the whole ‘he’s a maniac, maniac” song to keep time. Boy, it only took one flush for that dancer. Pull that chain. It was a beautiful movie about a welder and her dad.
• B. Keep your distance from other people. Folks run from me like Carl Lewis, one of the black men I’ve helped more than anyone, so it’s not an issue, for me, personally.
• C-29, C-29. Does anybody have a Bingo? Ah hell.
• Wear a mask unless you are an Indian in North Dakota. The macing isn’t worth it.
• Also, bank robbers are not allowed to wear a mask. They are trying to conceal their identity. I guarantee it. Either that or they have the breath of a Russian oligarch. I don’t know what they’re eating, but it’s unpleasant.
• Don’t shake hands and don’t grab anyone. It’s a powerful suggestion. And never tell anyone that you grab people, if, in fact, you do grab only quality people of a certain persuasion.
• Oh, and never allow anyone to sneeze into your hand or your face. That one’s a little obvious.

It’s critical to understand that seniors and people with existing conditions are at a greater risk of death due to the virus. A young healthy adult always has a better chance to survive. This is even true for bullet wounds and pie eating.

I’m not going to perform on a regular basis. There will be no matinees. I’m not a clown. Do I amuse you like Yogi and Boo-Boo? Well, you’ll have to get your jollies elsewhere. I could say more, but I’m too nice and polite to resort to talking gutter smack.

Various scientists and doctors will provide news on a daily basis, if something newsworthy happens and will take questions. Conceivably we can get Tom Hanks and other World War II heroes to share their expertise.

I have things to do, and I’m not going to spend hours each day bragging about things that were my job in the first place. Who would?

Goodnight and may God bless America.

Seriously? Does the speech just end like a mallet to the head? I guess so. It seems abrupt. Whatever. All of the speechwriters are on thin ice like the polar bears for that mess.

Is this mic still on?

END

8:55 P.M. EDT