Rudolph Giuliani is a flamboyant liar and wanted for first-degree hassling in Ukraine. That’s what Igor told Lev after they leaned on President Zelensky on behalf of the usually straight-laced Donald Trump.

That checks out.

Giuliani made his dubious proclamation in front of the A&W in Mitchell, S.D., after skulking around Sisseton for several days looking for a guy named Lou. It was like Giuliani had melted into the Sisseton scenery, so the dates are sketchy, but witnesses said that he ‘’tucked in his shirt’’ like a champ for several traveling movie studios. And once in a diner.

The leathery RIG has struck again. Does he expect people to believe that Lou wasn’t in on the scheme to taint our election laws?

Which brings me to another question: Why is Trump gloating about North Dakota so vociferously? Especially after he cheated us like the bonehead who was playing cards with Wild Bill Hickok and ordered a Virgin Jello shot with a complicated salad on the side. Then bragged about “Warp Speed,’’ his suicidal horse, implying that his mount was fast due to him naming her so.

And especially since there is no way in hell that most North Dakotans would put up with a loud, lying, obnoxious, conceited, ignorant, crooked, gropey, vain, lift-shoe wearing, painted New York government leech in their local tavern or Perkins,  let alone an actual Donald Trump.

Rigged!

That’s what I’m hearing from people who have heard things from their Bastiat barber.

‘’Hey, shoulder pad-wearing raccoon face! Shut your big, fat whiny mouth or I’ll shut for it you! And I’ll tolerate no horse dancing or Sharpie nonsense.”

“Just punch the creep in the throat, Ethel.”

The character of the ‘’fancy Dan’’ crook comes right out of stereotype casting. He’s high volume, arrogant, transparently untruthful and can’t perform a task as simple as opening a 5-gallon bucket of tanning wax or bait a hook.

Invariably, Danny causes friction with a voice coming from a dark corner booth. There are a thousand variations on the trope. Usually, there is some comeuppance for the pompous jerk in the movies, so how can a reprehensible bituminous based humanoid with gator eyes get 65 percent of the 62 percent of eligible voters and not see any retribution in North Dakota?

Then, NOW it’s time for a mask mandate? As long as we’re sure Goldie’s not ‘‘only mostly dead.’’ How’s that not a coverup?

Clearly, the ‘’fix was in’’ to cheat Joe Biden of North Dakota. Nobody in this state would vote for a repugnant asshole sociopath let alone a whiny pox-infested hyena equally as objectionable as the real Donald Trump.

That’s all you need to know. No evidence is needed. Due to new Trump-era election rules— he signed one of those big menus — all any person with internet access and a credulous audience needs to do is lodge specious voting fraud claims and shazam, it becomes fact and you get homogenized immunity.

That’s why we have Bastiat Caucus clowns wearing chicken wire masks, chain-smoking Camel straights and hacking up mucus all over their misinformation campaign. Because specious claims work.

But without a recount and an investigation, which won’t happen due to our corrupt system in North Dakota, Trump wins our three electoral votes and gets to keep Kevin Cramer if ever he comes up for air.

Unsurprisingly, the president thought he was being gifted actual property— the same land our European ancestors received from the federal government — for free and/or dirt cheap. But no. That didn’t happen so what is he supposed to do now? NOT build a 45 million acre indoor driving range on prime agricultural turf? Once again, Donald Trump is being treated unfairly.

Meanwhile, official ballots marked for Joe Biden are stuffed so tight in our giant dairy cow that legal votes are dripping out of the snout and taking flight in the 45-miles-per-hour wind that whips daily atop Mount Cow.

Did I see the flying ballots? No, but some credible-looking guy did and he has the blurry video to prove it. I haven’t imagined his story being debunked yet, which speaks volumes.

Then, another sober fellow saw the same world’s largest Holstein cross Interstate 94 and head north in a gastrointestinal snit. And just a few hours later, he spotted our giant buffalo jumping the interstate and heading east to escape the COVID. Who knows how many Biden votes are crammed into that grouchy buffalo? Probably Lou.

And the corn-fed prairie bears are dancing like nobody’s watching due to all of the ballot tampering as they discover tons of discarded paper in the moist creek beds. It’s been a grim year for Charmin, but the furry buggers are presently in possession of enough high-grade paper to last through another pandemic or years of origami lessons.

Trump said to vote at least twice just to test the system. “It’ll be effortless if you have a lot of time, stamps and gas,” he croaked. It’s also a federal crime. Trump told his disaffected COVID-infested mob to commit a felony. Biden didn’t tell anyone to vote illegally. He did the opposite. That’s a tell.

How many surplus votes did Trump gain in North Dakota for suggesting to his bare-lipped patriots that they give cheating a full-assed try? Hard to say. He’s pretty hard not to obey for a specific type. At least the Proud Boys are ‘’standing down’’ and the Wolverine Watchmen are in jail. But what about North Dakota Young Republicans? How many in their treehouse fort dared to defy orders?

And it’s not a victimless crime. The Trump administration made terrorizing kids and “baiting hibernating bears from their dens with doughnuts to kill them and using artificial light such as headlamps to scurry into wolf dens to slaughter mothers and their pups,” great again. Cruelty is not a trait approved of by most North Dakotans.

How many mail-in ballots were stolen by right-wing government workers — like the two ballots that disappeared from the mailbox of known Marxists in a suburb of Ruso — and tossed into the Mouse River, where they’ll float to Canada and become unreadable?

How many absentee voting mailers sent by Biden voters ended up in a coulee with the gully cats and radioactive socks?

How many stolen Biden votes will be vaporized in our next Bakken oil train explosion?

These are all reasonable questions.

And what about the voter suppression of impressionable liberals. The media constantly told us that Biden had no chance to win in North Dakota, so over 100,000 Biden voters probably abstained in despair.

It’s a disgrace!

Just for the record:

Blacks weren’t allowed to participate in the Midwest Homestead Acts, even though they were born in America and free (wink).

The near-century of Jim Crow went swell though.

Also, Black military people didn’t receive many of the benefits offered by the G.I. Bill after World War II, including government-subsidized mortgages for Fred Trump-built houses.

Generations of Blacks have been deprived of owning wealth-building property and kept out of certain neighborhoods by men like Donald Trump.

It’s still happening.