The recent gag orders from the White House — I have but two words:
Freakin’. Brilliant.
The Don said he’d create jobs, right? Well, let me tell you, the pingpong ball, tennis ball, cord and handkerchief manufacturers of the good ol’ USA are tip-toein’ across their shop floors today.
The latest numbers I found at the U.S. Office of Personnel Management website say the executive branch employed 2.079 million people in 2014. That’s a whole lotta people to gag. Way I see it, there’s two good ways to do it — either stuff old-fashioned handkerchiefs in their mouths or use ball gags.
The hankies, they come in red, white or blue, but I think we should stick with red. And the ball gags — you know what they are, right?
(Stop here if you’re the queasy sort.)
You’ll see ball gags in movies with torture scenes or kinky bedroom stuff. They’re pingpong or tennis-sized balls that get put in people’s mouths. You know, to keep ’em quiet. The balls are attached to cords that go around the back of their heads so they don’t pop out.
Never seen one myself, but they’re out there. Lotsa people told me. Important people.
There’s a buncha websites that sell ’em pretty cheap, or you can go to YouTube for step-by-step instructions to make ‘em yourself. All you need are pingpong balls for small-mouthed feds and tennis balls for big-mouthed feds. You can use the same kinds of cords for either. So I hear.
Anyway, back to business … 2.1 million federal employees to gag. At least.
That’s a crap-ton of pingpong balls, tennis balls, cords and hankies, right? And someone’s gonna need to make ’em all. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, we got ourselves a crap-ton of jobs! Great jobs, too. Best jobs created in decades!
Win!
Yeah, I know, those things usually come from overseas or those people to the south. But The Don’s got that figured, too — tariff the heck out of ’em and keep the jobs home.
And it’s gonna get even better.
I hear the Don’s got a plan to hire regular folks to chase down those nasty federal employees — you know, the ones with years of experience and knowledge we don’t need — hog tie ’em, fit ’em for gags and hold ’em hostage. The Gag Squad’s gonna be an offshoot of the group that’ll soon be roundin’ up immigrants.
Why? Well, jeez. We don’t want ’em sharin’ information with taxpayers. Duh. Never mind the taxpayers are the ones paid for it.
I mean, the people at the National Park Service, the Environmental Protection Agency, the Department of Health and Human Services, the Department of Agriculture? Radicals.
Don’t want ’em sayin’ anything based on their version of facts, especially the sciencey stuff. The new Department of Untested Malarkey & Balderdash (DUMB) isn’t quite up and running yet. Not sure on the name, but no matter. Once that’s goin’ full bore, we’ll be disprovin’ all the baloney those lyin’ elites spew with real, alternative facts.
To get DUMB off the ground, first we need to get ridda all the gagged agencies and employees. That’s well under way with new federal department heads whose goal is to take apart the agencies they been picked to lead.
Once that’s done, the FTE’s can be used for more regular folks to create DUMB social media, DUMB blog posts, DUMB press releases, DUMB public advisories and the like.
There have been a few flies in the ointment, of course. Take the people who have started Twitter accounts like @BadHombreLandsNPS and @AltUSNatParkService and @RogueNASA, 14 accounts, pages or sites so far, I hear. They need to be rounded up and gagged, too. Not to fear; they will be.
Worried about big government staying big or getting bigger? Don’t be. DUMB won’t have as many employees as will be gone from the gagged agencies. Even when you add in the Gag Squad jobs, there still won’t be as many people suckling on the government — well, you know. You can take that to the bank. So I hear, from lotsa people. Great, great people. Smartest people in government. Ever.
Not only is The Don creating jobs, he’s cutting government down, too. In more ways than one.
Plus, no way he’s gonna stop at three or four piddling agencies. If you wanna be great, you gotta go all the way. Won’t be long before we need even more gags, which means more pingpong balls, tennis balls, cords and hankies. Red ones.
And you know what that means? That’s right, even MORE jobs.
Absolutely. Freakin’. Brilliant.
