Donald Trump has been to North Dakota more often than Kevin Cramer has held an in-person town hall in Fargo, the frightening land of several liberals. Or, as Rob Port, Cramer’s stress ball, would describe these lib%$#@’s; they are all Heidi Heitkamp operatives. Very sinister. The status of these libs is so secret, even they don’t know they are on Heidi’s roster.

But don’t mark Sept. 7 on YOUR calendar, unless you like being queasy because you’re not invited. But some VIPs I once assumed were from the world of civility and intellect will attend. They — and the phonies — will pay to bend the knee and lick the Florsheims of the modern day Chauncey Gardener, if poor Chauncey were cursed by the venomous demon king of fibbers and dullards.

Actually, Don is a North Dakotan at heart. He thought of us often while getting his toenails painted and buffed up in the penthouse. For example, DT’s driver once had to jump-start the limo, and his mistress got uncomfortably chilled in the back seat, while Lance Romance watched Tucker Carlson explain how white men are losing their grip on everything, from a comfortable warm spot inside.

Goldilocks comes for the adoration, which is his heroin, but he’s also in Fargo to raise money for Kevin Cramer, who the old man thinks is Eric. Hopefully, KC can avoid another awkward attempt at a peck on the cheek of the heavily made-up germaphobe, like the weird scene on stage at Scheels Arena, during the last hootenanny. Mom, he’s touching me!

It will be a smaller venue, this time. I don’t know how many 8-top rounds fit into the Crystal Ballroom at the Marriott, but I assume for $1,000, you’re going to get a meal, likely McDonald’s and KFC, to placate Trump’s tender palate. Bring an umbrella unless you want spittle raining down on your drumstick from the podium. And that’s in the back row, with the QAnon nuts.

Genghis Don will really be wound up this time. DT is still stewing about that attention-grabbing John McCain, who had the audacity to die, and taking some media — who he hates — attention away from the Trump brand hijinks. He was so mad that he only paid off two porn stars the whole week.

The accepted narrative is that Trump is wildly popular in N.D. He’s not. His disapproval rating is 46 percent, and he only tickles the fancy of half of us. Kevin Cramer is dependent on Donnie’s popularity, so he kisses the Don’s bum, while Trump smooches Putin’s behind.

Following the Trump recipe of fear, Cramer is running a TV ad featuring Heidi Heitkamp, pictured with a few menacing- looking Middle Eastern characters, and someone who appears to be Ayatollah Khomeini, who died in 1989. I guess because Heitkamp supported the Iran deal she’s comparable to a terrorist. Why Kevin would rather have an Iran with nuclear weapons than not, I don’t know.

Neither Cramer or Trump seem to know what a sanctuary city is. The name isn’t reflective of the reality, but still read a little, fellows, instead of running scary false grayscale ads. Why Cramer wants the federal government to dictate how city police allocate their resources and withhold money from law enforcement, I have no idea.

At some point, people will line up to pay $200 — or $19.95. I have no idea what the campaign can get for a photo with Trump, with his sincere bleached toothy grin and his trademark two thumbs up. If I were Trump, I would remind folks of my opposable thumbs as often as possible, too. Otherwise, there could be a species confusion, among the other vertical walkers known as dip-phoria.

Fair warning; though you rarely see a silverback gorilla strutting around town, one could pass, with a $10,000 suit and a gallon of Hai Karate aftershave. They’re generally courteous, unless you poke one with a salad fork, which is a sure tipoff that you haven’t just met the president.

Below is pretty much what you’re going to hear from firehose propagandist Beauregard Q. Bonespurs, if you want to save a grand.

This is just handful. Some saps have tried to list all of the Trump lies and gibberish but ran out of internet.

• “I think we did a fantastic job in Puerto Rico. Don’t forget, their electric plant was dead before the hurricane.”

Nearly 3,000 Americans died, and the asshole allowed it to happen. Their electricity worked before the hurricane hit, so Trump lied, as if this were a viable excuse. But what if the electricity was out prior to the wind and water? So what? All the more reason to use the full force and resources of the United States, to search the entire island and rescue those in need. Trump chose not to do a full phased operation, so there are a lot of brown bodies on his head.

• “If your house is staring at a windmill, not good. When you hear that noise going ’round and ’round and ’round, and you’re living with it, and then you go crazy after a couple of years, not good.”

Yup, going crazy is not good.

• “Two long-running Obama era investigations of two very popular Republican congressmen were brought to a well- publicized charge, just ahead of the midterms, by the Jeff Sessions Justice Department. Two easy wins now in doubt because there is not enough time. Good job Jeff …”

Our president doesn’t like Republican criminals to be prosecuted.

• “The advantage we have is — I am actually a very popular president, which people don’t like to say, you know. In fact, I guess the Republican poll came out, there’s one at 92 and one at 93 and one at 90, and they’re the highest numbers that have ever been, with the exception of a tiny period of time with a bullhorn. But that period lasted for about a week.”

Even 9/11 is all about him.

• “I actually asked them, I said, did they do polling when Honest Abe Lincoln was around? You know what? Nobody’s been able to give me that answer, but I’m assuming they did, OK? So we can say we’re beating Honest Abe.”

You can say it if you want, but Lincoln was a social liberal and a fiscal conservative. He was also honest, sane and civilized. Trump is none of these things.

• “Today’s Democratic Party is held hostage by left-wing haters, angry mobs, deep state radicals, establishment cronies and their fake news allies. Our biggest obstacle and their greatest ally actually is the media.”

None of that is true.

• “We’re doing a great job. And we have really no laws to work with. We have really no laws to work with. The laws are horrible. Laws are the worst and dumbest in the history of the world.”

DT has a low opinion of our country.

• “We must maintain efforts to put our nation on a fiscally sustainable course, and federal agency budgets cannot sustain such increases.”

The economy is going gangbusters, he claims, but we can’t afford to give government workers a raise.

• “I see that John Kerry, the father of the now terminated Iran deal, is thinking of running for president,” Trump tweeted. “I should only be so lucky — although the field that is currently assembling looks really good — FOR ME!”

What a dick.

• “Richard Trumka, the head of the AFL-CIO, represented his union poorly on television this weekend. Some of the things he said were so against the working men and women of our country, and the success of the U.S. itself, that it is easy to see why unions are doing so poorly. A Dem!”

He made these moronic comments on Labor Day.

• “But the word is they’re firing the head of NBC. What a great thing to do. How smart. That’s what the word. Who knows? With these people, you never know.”

He made that up.

• “There is no political necessity to keep Canada in the new NAFTA deal. If we don’t make a fair deal for the U.S. after decades of abuse, Canada will be out. Congress should not interfere w/ these negotiations or I will simply terminate NAFTA entirely & we will be far better off …”

He has no clue.

• “But when I start screaming ‘fake news,’ you see those red lights go off for a little while. You know, excuse me, we have technical difficulties, OK, then they go back.”

That’s not true.

• “You can have the biggest story about Hillary Clinton — I mean, look at what she’s getting away with. But let’s see if she gets away with it.”

Huh.

• “Democrats want anarchy, they really do, and they don’t know who they’re playing with, folks.”

No, they don’t.

• “I smile at senators and others talking about how good free trade is for the U.S. What they don’t say is that we lose Jobs and over $800 billion a year on really dumb trade Deals … and these same countries tariff us to death.”

Not really, and the grinning goober has no understanding of international trade. Very surprising.

• “The wall will be paid for very easily by Mexico. It will ultimately be paid for by Mexico.”

Mexico won’t pay for a single section.

• “See, you have to understand, I have a better education than they do from a much better school, but — the elite. They’re the elite. They’re the elite. I went to better schools, I went to better everything. And by the way, by the way, are you ready for this? And I’m President, and they’re not.”

Trump is the epitome of elitism.

• “And I’m not saying — I’m just saying. I’m not saying it’s — I’m just saying, something incredible is happening with our country to have this.”

OK.

• “When there’s thousands of birds laying at the base of the windmill, what do we do? Isn’t that amazing?”

More birds are killed by tall buildings. Cats murder the most birds.

• “Because we’ve put mechanisms in work — lots of different — I won’t bore you with the complications — it’s actually — we had middlemen that were so rich they were making a fortune on drugs, prescription drugs.”

Don doesn’t understand complicated things. It’s pretty obvious.

• “We’re going to win so much that you’re going to be begging me, ‘Please, please, Mr. President, the people of Indiana cannot continue to win like this. We’re not used to this. This is terrible!'”

No they won’t.

• “They want to raid Medicare to pay for socialism!”

No they don’t.

• “But we signed a wonderful paper saying they’re going to denuclearize their whole thing. It’s going to all happen.”

The paper might have been the best of quality, but North Korea isn’t going to denuclearize.

• “You know what? Putin’s fine. He’s fine. We’re all fine. We’re people.”

Putin is not fine.

• “A vote for the Democrats in November is a vote to let MS-13 run wild in our communities.”

That isn’t true.

• “Winning the Electoral College is very tough for a Republican, much tougher than the so-called ‘popular vote,’ where people vote four times, you know. Much tougher. Much, much tougher.”

I voted 17 times. What a rube.

• “We will take that little kit and say, but we have to do it gently. Because we’re in the ‘#MeToo’ generation so I have to be very gentle. And we will very gently take that kit and we will slowly toss it, hoping it doesn’t hit her and injure her arm even though it only weighs probably two ounces. And we will say, I will give you a million dollars to your favorite charity, paid for by Trump, if you take the test so that it shows you’re an Indian.”

The dick can offend a lot of people in one paragraph.

• “This is one of the largest trade deals ever made. Maybe the largest trade deal ever made.”

With Mexico? Not even close.

• “For years, Google promoted President Obama’s State of the Union on its homepage. When President Trump took office, Google stopped.”

False.

• “What’s going on at @CNN is happening, to different degrees, at other networks — with @NBCNews being the worst … When Lester Holt got caught fudging my tape on Russia, they were hurt badly!”

Never happened.

• “Hillary Clinton’s emails, many of which are classified information, got hacked by China. Next move better be by the FBI & DOJ or, after all of their other missteps (Comey, McCabe, Strzok, Page, Ohr, FISA, Dirty Dossier etc.), their credibility will be forever gone!”

Never happened.

• “Over 90 percent approval rating for your all-time favorite (I hope) President within the Republican Party and 52 percent overall. This despite all of the made up stories by the Fake News Media trying endlessly to make me look as bad and evil as possible. Look at the real villains please!”

Those numbers were pulled out of his bum.

• “A couple of them compare me to some of the greats. They talk about Abe Lincoln, Honest Abe. I tell the people, it’s wonderful that they’re saying nice things, but they are never going to give us the vote. Say bad things about me, but give us the vote!”

He’s deluded.

• “Tariffs will make our country much richer than it is today. Only fools would disagree.”

Real economists aggressively disagree.

• “The Fake News hates me saying that they are the Enemy of the People only because they know it’s TRUE. I am providing a great service by explaining this to the American People. They purposely cause great division & distrust. They can also cause War! They are very dangerous & sick!”

Trump is very dangerous and sick.

• “He’s not a war hero. He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.”

Jerk.

• “U.S. Steel just announced that they are building six new steel mills.”

No they didn’t.

• “Yeah, you’re probably right. She’s probably deeply troubled and therefore great in bed. How come the deeply troubled women, you know, deeply, deeply troubled, they’re always the best in bed?”

In case anyone forgot he’s a sleaze.

Bonus Trumpage

You get the idea, and Trump will probably be back to the state again.

And oil slick Don Jr. with his girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, of Fox News fame, are also planning to campaign in N.D.

Little Donnie, the poor gullible halfwit, co-hosted the premiere of “Death of a Nation” with fellow fringe kook and creator, Dinesh D’Souza.

“Death of a Nation” made waves with its trailer, which blames Democrats for slavery and the assassination of Lincoln, in addition to arguing that Adolf Hitler and fascism are aligned with liberal ideologies. But many, including Variety film critic Owen Gleiberman, have denounced the project as another of D’Souza’s attention-seeking displays of fallacies and dangerous revisionist history.” — Variety

“When you look at the movie, you’ll see that there is a very distinct and clear difference between what actually happened and what is being sold to our youth today. You see the Nazi platform from the early 1930s … and you look at it compared to the DNC platform of today, you’re saying, ‘Man, those things are awfully similar’ to a point where it’s actually scary. It’s the exact opposite of what you’ve been told.” — Donald Trump Jr., assistant to the head imbecile in charge of our country.

“In ‘Death of a Nation,’ Dinesh D’Souza is no longer preaching to the choir; he’s preaching to the mentally unsound.” — Owen Gleiberman, Variety

Zero percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes.