What the hell is going on?

Why isn’t Congressman Kelly Armstrong patriotically leaking the great impeachment news — that the lamestream media refuses to report — that would exonerate Donald Trump of airtight charges stemming from a super successful witch hunt?

The congressman is sitting right there as the “never Trumpers” testify. It’s the least he can do if he were truly loyal.

Why the reticence?

Kevin Cramer would have already bellyflopped on the problem for the 800-pound president in the room. He has style.

Cramer will recite 14 unique and random words backward if called upon by Big Tuna to take a few haymakers from a smart-ass reporter with all of the wrong questions.

Millions of wrong questions. And one answer. And Kevin will deliver the same response to anything he gets asked with an odd grin and the conviction of a hamster doing 8,000 turns on the wheel. Plus, Kev has no sense of when he’s been humiliated so his stomach doesn’t hurt.

“I’ll tell you the question we should be asking. ‘How can we get the liberal media and most of America to recognize the president’s bold integrity in turning over damning evidence and the display of translucent transparency after he got caught?’ How? It was a perfect call. For crying out loud. When are you people going to get that?”

“And what was Joe Biden doing in Kenya on Aug. 4, 1961? And where was Hunter?”

Cramer is a distinctively willing node in his niche, but why isn’t Kelly at least recording the proceedings since we’re bringing cell phones into restricted areas now and then discreetly slip a YouTube sensation onto the internet each day? I smell big ad revenue.

What is anybody going to do about it? Will enemies of the state bore Kelly to death with nasty aspersions? Probably at first? Then, they’ll share the Armstrong posts with the world and prove the silliness behind the investigation of the best liar the republicans will ever hope to see.

The Democrats are giddily leaking boatloads of damning testimony. The Oval Office bleeds chaos and insanity like a gash to the femoral. They plead guilty on a regular basis which would be a mistake for normal people.

So, why is Armstrong holding back on the secret knowledge?

Get in there and block their defensive end with an aluminum bat, or actual rabid bats. Fight the truth with every bit of gibberish that an accomplished Republican can conjure. Thoughts and prayers type stuff.

A person who exposed a deep state coup would be a hero to the Trubilly’s for allowing the American people to see how perfectly innocent our president is. Let everyone see the testimony. You might inadvertently post some classified stuff, but don’t you let anyone tell you that prison is a bad experience. That’s never been proven.

In fact, all of the president’s royal guards that are officially participating in the impeachment inquiry sessions ought to be reporting on ALL of the testimony.

Just last week, it was affirmed that Trump has a great number of fans among our foreign service professionals, in spite of repeatedly knifing them in the torso, so there’s that.

But Kelly did put out a tepid statement and it looks like Armstrong might be too mellow to boast about the quiet loyalty and great candor our first moron exhibits every darn day as the congressman points out in his last newsletter, which very precisely copies the White House talking points.

The Democrats are “misguided,” Now that’s a feeble burn. Keep up, man. When big Donnie calls the Democrats, scum, you call them fermented pickle brine. Get rough. Trump isn’t afraid to touch the radiator cap after a steamy hootenrally with a large crowd of heavy breathers.

When a full baseball stadium chants “lock him up” when Trump appears, pay the grounds crew to spray the traitors with cold water. Some hypothermia will straighten them out.

And Kelly should keep regurgitating the false narrative about “due process” like it’s a thing before charges are brought. How would he know as just a lowly country lawyer? This country according to his bio.

Then came the frat boys and a slick Dockers commercial.

“Kangaroo court” has nothing to do with the Captain or Mr. Green Jeans, as one of the kids in the bunch alluded, and it sounds too fun to disparage, so the scofflaws should that one on speed retort.

I think it was that Max Gaetz character who slyly involved Captain Kangaroo in the antics of the Republican kickline team to further their cause during the daring insurrection, likely unaware that the predeceased naval officer would have filled the room with ping pong balls to confuse the “Oceans 42” cast and crew.

Gee, I wonder what Gaetz is really like? He looks like he should be hanging out with Robert Blake in black-and-white rural Kansas.

And I heard that our congressman was storming the castle with the Van Buren boys because North Dakota supposedly needs a whole person to properly represent Trump and empty space.

Kell forgot that he has season tickets to these Trump-hating sessions, so he joined the riot.

Had this near violence happened in North Dakota, there would be mace shooting from garden hoses, rubber bullets for those not properly whooping it up and a Kevlar level show of force. A rancher will somehow misplace 30 cows and mercenaries would block cell service, so nobody would think it convenient to have a heart attack.

Rob Port would be called upon to copy and paste for the cause because he’s so honest and moral and accuse the interlopers of war crimes.

Just for future reference, if this small mob of confused produce shoppers stands for another set of glamour shots, the taller short guys should be in the back and stand on thick interns. Either that or the backbenchers could hold up one of those big head cardboard prints of their faces. They are likely to spook the less flamboyant gang members, but that’s their problem.

It’s the small things that make a doofus demonstration successful.

Leak Kelly, leak