I love gadgetry. I have remotes to run my remote controls. It’s not perfect, though. I discovered that my Apple TV remote volume control triggers my new Chinese-made CD player.

And everyone’s worried about TikTok.

Yes, they still make CD players. I mean, what was I going to do with all those CDs I bought to replace all those vinyl albums I’m buying again?

My newest turntable was made in England, too hoity-toity to be influenced by remote controls. It’s a manual turntable. So, you have to get up every 20 minutes. That’s OK. I had to turn off the CD player, anyway.

Did I mention that my garage door opener starts the coffee maker? Things have gotten completely out of hand ever since the Clapper.

Now, the tour continues. … Join me in my bedroom, will you? Don’t worry. I have “security” cameras. And mirrors. (I worry about shoplifters.)

I better stop kidding around. The way the North Dakota Legislature’s new sexual surveillance state is going, cameras will be standard equipment. Man, those cats are uptight. The new rules on the Senate floor require skirts below the knee. And that’s just the men.

Anyway, one of the things I don’t cheap out on is my bed. They say you spend a third of your life in bed. More, if you’re Charlie Sheen. I just got one of those new-fangled remote controlled puppies that tilts your head, your legs, massages upper and/or lower extremities, has eight USB connections (I’m not kidding), and LED running lights. (Again, not kidding.)

And the remote changes the channel to TikTok.

It’s comprised of two single beds with the same features so we can race. It’s like a hospital bed without being roused by nurses every two hours to give you sleeping pills. I’ve slept better between the drummer and the bass player at Dempsey’s than I did at St. A’s last year.

The bed replaces the one made in North Dakota. Buy local, they said. Best in the world, they said. It “was” wonderful. I bought one after sleeping on one at The Donaldson in Fargo before they turned the house restaurant into a hotdog stand. The mattress came with a lifetime guarantee. Technically, that’s true. But it’s not your lifetime. It’s the lifetime of the mattress. Goodbye, Squeaky. It was good while it lasted.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, on to the bathroom. Some of you will have to stand in the shower to make room. Here’s my pride and joy. My new BioBidet 1000. It replaced the old BB600. The one with a lifetime guarantee. The BP600 in the mud room is still going strong, however.

Isn’t it ironic that the world’s greatest butt technology was invented in the 1600s in France, where they have a reputation for only bathing every fortnight? “Bidet” is French for “pony” because I guess you had to straddle the first models. It’s basically a French riding saddle with perks.

It’s remote controlled. The previous model only had the controls on the ejector seat. For people already too lazy to wash and dry their bungholes, this one allows your butler to operate the controls from the patio. “More steam, Jeeves!”

There are sooo many controls. A “massage” feature. A “feminine” feature. All of it adjustable so you get the proper trajectory. A periscope. Temperature controls for the seat, the water and the air dryer. What’s the air-dry like? Imagine mooning the car wash as you exit. It’s a veritable butt hurricane.

There’s even an “economy” setting for cheap asses.

If you don’t read French there are some amusing diagrams that would get a librarian arrested in North Dakota. One of the options is “vortex.” It should say “enema.” because it’s like sitting on a firehose. Holy moly! It’ll blow your hemorrhoids right outa there.

OK, do you really need a toilet with a four-barrel carb, dual exhaust, a Hurst shifter and a backup camera? Well, I was sure glad I had it when my “pitching arm” locked up recently. It took a few doses of prednisone to get me right. That’s when you need the hot line to the bullpen. Imagine a T-Rex trying to wipe.

And then, not to be indelicate, but no more racing stripes in your Fruit of the Looms. That’s the bottom line. (Get it?) Plus, during the great Toilet Paper Shortage of 2020, we were golden.

But is it safe? I mean, 120 volts connected to water? Is that what killed Elvis? True, there are risks, which is why I have the double indemnity bidet clause in my life insurance policy.

© Tony Bender, 2023