Thank God for the Summer Olympics. I’ve been mostly laid up for a few weeks with a recurrence of the strange leg infection that kept me in the hospital much of the summer two years ago. I rode it out at home this year and was entertained in my recliner by watching the world’s best athletes competing for medals in Paris.

One of the most entertaining moments came when the French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati failed to get over the bar, which was sitting about 18 feet in the air. The bulge in the front of his trunks nipped the bar and kept him from getting a medal. But what was really funny was the way the broadcasters and reporters around the world described the event.

The reports didn’t just say that Ammirati failed to win a medal. They told and showed HOW he failed. But carefully, because they were playing to an international family audience. Not just me, ensconced in my recliner, but grandmas and kids all over the world.

A lot of interesting euphemisms were used to describe that body part which got in the way of a medal. Some of the more interesting ones:

• “Ammirati finished 12th at the event, with his manhood getting more attention than the rest of the pole vaulters combined.”
• “French pole vaulter’s bulge costs him an Olympic medal. (By the way, lots of these headlines are going to assert Ammirati lost because he hit his dick on the bar; to our eyes, the jump was already in trouble before the eye-catching moment.)”
• “This Olympic pole vaulter’s own huge pole got in his way — and cost him a medal.”
• “Losing at the Olympics while millions of people watch your genitals visibly catch on the pole vault bar, which isn’t necessarily the sort of field most people want to be pioneers in.”
• “French pole vaulting sensation Anthony Ammirati appeared to poke fun at his viral Olympics moment, after a certain appendage prevented him from medaling at Paris 2024.”
• “Pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati’s lower region, hit a crossbar during a pole vault at the 2024 Summer Olympics.””
• “Considering those big sticks they tote around, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that pole vaulting was the sport to suffer a rather phallic moment.”
• “Anthony was held back by his … meal deal? I’m trying to keep it PG in case my mom is reading this (hi, mom), but I’m really struggling, so work with me, people. Anthony’s junk in the front trunk hit the pole and rendered him 12th in the group, causing him to not progress to the final for a chance at a medal. If you want to get technical, his knee hit the bar, followed by his extra bendy knee, but it’s the same thing. Basically, wood hit metal.”

Other descriptions:

• “Private parts.”
• “Front of his crotch.”
• “Junk.”
• “Package.”

And then this one, which didn’t beat around the bush:

• “The 21-year-old, who took out the gold medal at the World Athletics Under-20 Championships in 2022, suffered an unfortunate mishap as he attempted to clear 5.70m during the men’s pole vault qualification rounds, knocking the bar off with his penis as he went over.”

I’m pretty sure that’s the first time the word “penis” has ever appeared on my blog. Sorry, Mom.

Well, it turns out that it really wasn’t all bad news, in spite of losing a medal.

• “The French athlete’s social media following has grown from 5000 to almost 68,000 in less than 24 hours. His Instagram following swelled from 8,400 followers to 254,000 in a little under a week.”

And the best possible outcome:

• “The French pole vaulter who lost out on his chance at an Olympic medal due to his manhood clipping the bar, Anthony Ammirati, has reportedly been offered a porn deal worth $250K. Pornographic website CamSoda has put up the quarter-million after millions watched Ammirati’s manhood clip the bar to clear after getting the rest of the lower half of his body over the bar.”

Well, the French have got themselves a new Harry Reems (aka Peter Long).

Maybe, just maybe, the Frenchman wasn’t really there to win a medal. He was looking for a movie contract. He strutted around the field shamelessly showing off the big bulge in his pants with no attempt at modesty. And did you see the size of that sucker? Bigger than most of my cucumbers. Here, look for yourself.

But my favorite description

• “Pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati’s Olympic dreams took an unexpected turn when an ‘asset’ malfunction during his qualifying round gained him viral fame.”

Asset malfunction. When an asset turns into a liability. But not really, See you in the movies, Anthony.

Sorry, I just couldn’t resist writing about this. And I have a fairly mature audience.

And now, the Olympics are gone, but the Twins are back on TV. So I still have a little recliner entertainment.