“How did you find me?” hollers Orville, and grumbles, “You skinny, long-haired, libturd. You just can’t leave me in peace, can you?” Stanley looks around. “This was the only bar in town with a yacht in the parking lot, with plates that said BIG ORV on them. Stealthy. This joint is much nicer than your last haunt. I see they’ve …
The last time we checked in with Congressman Kevin Cramer, he had recently voted for a health care bill that was so deplorably cruel, even Donald Trump called it “mean.” And old road kill cranium has skimmed charity dollars from kids with cancer, so that’s saying something. Who read the bill to the president is anybody’s guess. On May 6, …
The next help wanted ad we run will go something like this: “JOURNALIST NEEDED: Must have strong language skills, a willingness to ask hard questions and be able to take a punch.” After Greg Gianforte, U.S. Rep.-elect from Montana, body-slammed Guardian reporter Ben Jacobs last week, it became clear the trail blazed by Jesse “The Body” Ventura in 1998 had …
The repugnant grabby Donald Trump, with a white nationalist on his staff, wasn’t the first loudmouth reality TV star, or low-watt nativist leader, to figure out that fear is a great motivator — and vote getter. Unsavory foreigners are pouring across our borders by the thousands for crissakes, don’t you know. Believe me. Are you jumpy, yet? I’ve heard they’re …
Stan shuffles into the dark bar, stands still for a minute to let his pupils expand, and waits for the blindness to dissipate. Then, without moving, he hollers, “ORV! ARE YOU IN HERE?” A strange voice answers from the shadows. “Which Orv are you looking for? “The ornery one.” “Oh, he’s sitting at the bar.” Stan shuffles over to the …
At noon Friday, about 40 of our most dangerous citizens left their natural Caribou Coffee habitat and descended on the building that houses Congressman Kevin Cramer’s Fargo office at speeds nearing 25 mph. Their watches were not synchronized — or necessarily correct. Some were just winging it. Mostly women, but a few men, stood as people do and occasionally flashed …
I’ve had some bad weeks. One August, I lounged on the deck of a pontoon in the sun so long that my shins and feet were seriously burned. There was smoke — and not the medicinal kind. I was in pain for at least a week, and gentle I had to be, to get the old shoes on. The hair …
Ruth Buffalo wrote a perfectly sane, accurate and compelling letter-to-the-editor a few days ago, but the truthfulness was more than the Ward County Red Snouted Port could bear. Sad. I have never met Ruth Buffalo, but I know she is very smart because I can read and comprehend. And educated. She is also quite pretty and has a beautiful family. …
It did not go unreported that Kevin Cramer might run for Senate in 2018, but the news was largely lost in the fog of the scandalous AMC miniseries, “The Case of the White Pantsuits and Other White Outfits,” based on the true story of a primitive male, with a bad combover, and his faithful miniature poodle, Port, named for the …
Donald Trump was standing at the podium, addressing a joint session of Congress, explaining to the American people how badly the State of the Union sucked, and they best hide. Stupid Kenyan! He gazed to the right when some of the Democrats laughed after a sentence because the words were so absurd, based on reality, it was impossible to muffle …
Congressman Kevin Cramer, rumored to be Donald Trump’s new hairdresser —Have you seen 45’s new flattop? He sets his Twitter phone up there — came to Fargo on Thursday, at the invitation of Indivisible FM — leftist lost souls, according to Scott Hennen, the legendary mellifluous voice of the guy you hear for a second while fiddling with your radio dial. …
I’m sad. I’m tired. I’m an angry lib!@$#. And I’m hardly the only one. A serial liar is President Trump, which I find disconcerting, but it doesn’t bother smarmy Congressman Kevin Cramer, the whole of the North Dakota GOP, and 39 percent of Americans. Maybe some haven’t heard the news, and maybe some think all news is fake because the …
I’ve been called many things in the last half-century. I suppose “shallow’ has gone on the longest, since it’s so clever. Adults still jab me with that mortal Italian dagger wit — I can barely feel the blade filet my … spleen? I went by “crash” for a time, which was neither derogatory or complimentary. Simply fact that need not …
It’s hard to keep up with the North Dakota Legislature, since the idiotic bills shoot out faster than Donald Trump running from a Syrian toddler. The kid was “yuge.” Believe me. Then, you add in the daily hijinks and lies of our new administration in D.C., and you have a bottomless stockpot of rancid confusing soup and a small slotted …
It’s bash the refugees season again. We have one every month, so you never have to take down the decorations — or buy new torches. This time, it’s in the form of North Dakota House Bill 1427, introduced by Republicans Chris Olson, Rich Becker, a pair of Koppelmans and four others. As always, they say they just want to know …
Well, hell, the Golden Retriever caught the Chevy. In less than a month, an unqualified senior citizen playboy, wife collector and renowned sex offender will become president of the United States. And I thought Millard Fillmore stuck in my craw. Russians playing games in our business won’t matter. It’s still going to happen. Obama is meting out punishment, but Trump, …
“I’m not ready, yet, Orv,” groans Stanley. Orville sighs. “Everybody dies, Stan. We’ve been over this. Get over it.” “No, it’s not that. I’m ready to bite the dust at the drop of hat. Wear shirts, wash shirts. It’s getting a bit monotonous. Who drops their hat, anyway? And what type of a hat does it have to be? I …
To quote the ’90s dance music group C+C Music Factory, which quoted former television talk show host Arsenio Hall, there are just some things that make you go “hmmm.” (I know, I know. At some point, I’m really going to have to start updating my references. But I digress.) These things that make you go hmmm are things that are …
Sunday, Jan. 10 update: As I predicted, look for much about Kevin Cramer in Rob Port’s Sunday columns in the Forum Communications’ newspapers. As I point out below, Rob owes much to Cramer’s communications director Jason Stverak. So it’s no surprise that Cramer is the hero of Rob’s first Forum column today. Expect a regular diet. And while I have resisted …